Isle of Wight welcomes a new addition to its pedalo fleet

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Football club owner suffered ‘suspected poisoning

The soccer world has been rocked by allegations that Reg Tupper, owner of Isle of Wight Top Tiles Premiership team Athletico Cowes may have been poisoned.

An ashen-faced Reg has briefed the world’s sporting press:-

“We were cock-a-hoop on Saturday after we had done the double over our fiercest rivals Sporting Shanklin. Naturally I took the lads out to a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. I treated everyone to the very finest from Dave’s Doners van – with all the trimmings of course. We then went to the Cowes Boutique wine bar where I had my usual 11 pints of ‘Olde Bowel Basher’ cider.

However, most unusually I woke up the following morning feeling a bit queasy – know what I mean? I had to warn the missus to give it 10 minutes before using the toilet.

I can only think that someone must have wanted to do me harm, what with me being one of the top Isle Of Wight business men. Only a far-sighted entrepreneur like me would have had the courage to go into the Pic ‘n Mix business after Woolworths folded.

I’ve got a cast iron stomach when it comes to grub and drink. I can only suspect someone somehow managed to doctor my pork scratchings in the bar.”

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/phillipkofler-715497/

Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club bans Russian athletes

The Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club has become the latest organisation to ban Russian teams and athletes, as the world of sport continues to show support towards Ukraine.

Not wanting to be outdone by the likes of FIFA, UEFA and the International Olympic Committee, Fred Wooler, club secretary, treasurer, newsletter author, membership manager and interim tiddlywink polisher, has also told members that Russian teams can no longer take part.

Writing to the club’s 11 members, Mr Wooler notes that “Russian aggressive and nuclear threats leave me no choice but to take this drastic, diplomatic action”.

Speaking to press following the announcement, Mr Wooler admitted Russian had ever actually taken part or attempted to take part in any club events, although he warned that he could not guarantee it had not been infiltrated by Russia spies at the height of the Cold War.

“Old Tommy Masterton was always a bit suspect,” Mr Wooler said. “He only drank half pints and had spent time living in Portsmouth. So, this time around I am not going to be caught out.”

Mr Wooler said he was surprised by the delay in response from the Kremlin, as the club was “the third largest Tiddlywinks club in the Solent area”.

Image: Pixabay/mzmatuszewski0