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New dinosaur species found on Isle of Wight



It must be approaching the silly season or newspapers are fed up with printing BoJo stories. In any event yet another ‘unknown’ dinosaur species has allegedly been discovered in the Solent archipelago. A leading dinosaur expert was approached for comment:-


'To be honest I am getting a bit pissed off with what appears to be a non-stop stream of new discoveries in what to be honest is a piddly little island that people only visit when accidently getting on the wrong boat at Portsmouth.


'I’ve had my suspicions for some time as to whether these are in fact genuine. I wouldn’t be surprised if the natives are trying to duplicate the Piltdown Hoax in a desperate attempt to lure tourists. And I don’t rule out the involvement of the Isle of Wight’s answer to Banksy – Wrenfoey.


'You have to ask yourself the question why would dinosaurs have ever wanted to come to the Isle of Wight in the first place. Even today asylum seekers steer well clear.'



First published 18 Jun 2023


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Football club owner suffered ‘suspected poisoning



The soccer world has been rocked by allegations that Reg Tupper, owner of Isle of Wight Top Tiles Premiership team Athletico Cowes may have been poisoned.


An ashen-faced Reg has briefed the world’s sporting press:-


“We were cock-a-hoop on Saturday after we had done the double over our fiercest rivals Sporting Shanklin. Naturally I took the lads out to a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. I treated everyone to the very finest from Dave’s Doners van – with all the trimmings of course. We then went to the Cowes Boutique wine bar where I had my usual 11 pints of ‘Olde Bowel Basher’ cider.


However, most unusually I woke up the following morning feeling a bit queasy – know what I mean? I had to warn the missus to give it 10 minutes before using the toilet.


I can only think that someone must have wanted to do me harm, what with me being one of the top Isle Of Wight business men. Only a far-sighted entrepreneur like me would have had the courage to go into the Pic ‘n Mix business after Woolworths folded.


I’ve got a cast iron stomach when it comes to grub and drink. I can only suspect someone somehow managed to doctor my pork scratchings in the bar.”




First published 30 Mar 2022


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Isle of Wight condemns ‘provocative’ balloon airspace violation



Tensions remain high in the Solent region today following the detection of a balloon flying over the island.


An Isle of Wight Department of Home Defence spokesperson briefed reporters.


“Yesterday our Advanced Early Warning System – Cowes Neighbourhood Watch – reported an object subsequently identified as a balloon illegally entering our airspace. It was tracked as it travelled inland, passing over a number of sensitive garden centres and charity shops sowing panic and confusion amongst the (mostly elderly) customers.


We debated whether to shoot it down but there was concern that this might cause collateral damage when it landed. Unfortunately also none of our weapons could reach the great height at which the balloon was flying – estimated to be well in excess of 100 feet.


The issue was eventually resolved when the string underneath the balloon got tangled in the branches of a conker tree just outside Shanklin. After a lengthy health and safety risk analysis, leading fireman Barney McGrew of the Island Fire & Rescue Service volunteered to climb the tree and retrieve it.


The balloon is now under investigation in our forensic laboratory. It has a picture of an evil-looking character with a name of Ronald McDonald. We suspect this has something to do with the power struggle underway on the mainland within the People’s Republic of Hampshire. We have already made a formal complaint about this provocative action to their ambassador.”


A People’s Republic of Hampshire spokesperson responded.


“The peace-loving People’s Republic utterly denies this outrageous slur. The research balloon was accidently released by a young party member outside one of our healthy and nutritious proletariat street canteens. We shall utterly crush the capitalist lackeys, hyenas and running dogs of the illegal breakaway Isle of Wight in due course. We plan to mobilise our invincible armed forces to invade – once we have bought the ferry tickets and the railway strikes are settled."

image from pixabay



First published 6 Feb 2023


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