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A BBC investigation has found that a Ventnor man was tricked into buying a football club, a high street retailer and a discredited celebrity by an unscrupulous estate agent.


He expected to use his life savings as a deposit on a two bed roomed former council house in Ventnor, but got more than he bargained for.


Colin Stale, 57, says that he was taken advantage of.  ‘The estate agent was keen to sell me the house.  And a mortgage.  And home insurance.  And a full survey.  And rentcharge indemnity insurance.  And a timeshare in Nigeria.  And Chancel Repair Insurance.  And a leasehold staircase in Grenfell Tower.  He was very persuasive.


‘At the completion stage I signed all the papers like the estate agent said.  It was only later that I discovered that I’d bought Oldham Athletic on hire-purchase, four branches of WH Smith, and a twelve percent interest in Gregg Wallace.  It also turned out that I’d signed a non-disclosure agreement and that I’d admitted to kidnapping and eating Shergar.


‘That estate agent is a cheeky wotsit.  He contacted me later and asked if I had any money left over to buy Waterloo Bridge and a collection of Jeffrey Epstein memorabilia. I was tempted, but I said no. The payments on Oldham Athletic are using up most of my pension already.’


The estate agent is not giving any interviews, but has provided a written statement saying that all his business dealings are regulated by the Imaginary Finance Council and the Financial Standards Board of Narnia, and that it was caveat emptor, it wasn’t him, and he wasn’t there.  He did say that, if we were interested, he could offer a really nice one-time-only deal on a two-up, two-down slightly used nuclear power station in Cumbria – a fixer-upper, apparently.



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After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever visited the island. The supposed list of 'clients' who had visited the island was sunk on board the Portsmouth ferry and all tickets to Blackgang Chime were destroyed.


Furthermore the island no longer appears on any maps and has been replaced by the phrase 'here be dinosaurs'. The FBI confirmed 'IOW is not a sex island - not unless you count caravan parks. Nothing illegal ever happened here, in fact, since 1972, nothing ever happened here.'



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This comes off the back of the controversial decision to keep a military base on the Chagos Islands. Critics say it is a waste of money funding an uninhabitable rock half way across the world, but others say it is 40 minutes on the Portsmouth ferry. Sadly the Isle of Wight is of strategic importance to absolutely no-one, least of all the cows that make up 70% of the population.


The original lease was given to the Romans but the Romans did not know what to do with it. Caesar declaimed "Veni, Vidi, Abire" – I came, I saw, I wandered off – admitting that neither he nor the natives had read the small print. Later in the 18th century Queen Victoria renewed the agreement for grazing rights and so she could bath up to the knee, while still wearing a dress.


At the height of the Cold War Shanklin was used as a training camp for the Cub Scouts. And with the renewed threat of Putin, the Brownies have once again been mobilized. Remarked one local as he polished his collection of turnips: ‘Getting a nuclear warhead is all very well but we'd rather have a Woolworths.’



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