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Defence Review Promises More Peashooters to Isle of Wight

Updated: Jun 5, 2025



In a seismic shake-up to defence of the island, Defence Secretary John Healey today promised that the Isle of Wight would see an increase to its capabilities through the delivery of more peashooters and catapults.


At the Shanklin Home Armed Guard, platoon leader Captain Wilson was delighted to hear the news, remarking, "Currently our sea defences are Big John with a bucket of rocks. While he can thrown them impressively far, like past the sandbank far, being able to add the local Scouts and Guides as a second line of defence will be a further deterrent to anyone thinking of invading our land. We've had them keep the grey squirrels out for over a century now, so I'm confident any Russian Destroyers sailing through the channel will think twice before straying from the shipping lanes once they see Akela and her special forces keeping watch at The Needles."


The Isle of Wight navy were also overjoyed that their fleet would be faster after all the clothing gifted to Sir Keir Starmer by Lord Alli had been turned into sailcloths and used to upgrade the Sea Cadets' dinghies.


image from pixabay


Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club bans Russian athletes




The Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club has become the latest organisation to ban Russian teams and athletes, as the world of sport continues to show support towards Ukraine.


Not wanting to be outdone by the likes of FIFA, UEFA and the International Olympic Committee, Fred Wooler, club secretary, treasurer, newsletter author, membership manager and interim tiddlywink polisher, has also told members that Russian teams can no longer take part.


Writing to the club’s 11 members, Mr Wooler notes that “Russian aggressive and nuclear threats leave me no choice but to take this drastic, diplomatic action”.


Speaking to press following the announcement, Mr Wooler admitted Russian had ever actually taken part or attempted to take part in any club events, although he warned that he could not guarantee it had not been infiltrated by Russia spies at the height of the Cold War.


“Old Tommy Masterton was always a bit suspect,” Mr Wooler said. “He only drank half pints and had spent time living in Portsmouth. So, this time around I am not going to be caught out.”


Mr Wooler said he was surprised by the delay in response from the Kremlin, as the club was “the third largest Tiddlywinks club in the Solent area”.



First published 1 Mar 2022



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Trump offers to take over Isle of Wight



The Cuprinol-coloured cadaver-in-waiting Donald Trump has announced his intention to take the Isle of Wight for the US.


A spokesman said 'That place looks like it’s been bombed mercilessly for decades. Schools, hospitals, public services – they’re all ruined. Its radicalised population must be resettled throughout neighbouring counties. Hampshire and Dorset need to step up.'


'For starters, we’re changing the name to Isle of White, because… y’know. Wight and White are homophones, but no homo, because… y’know.'


'It could really use a massive gold Trump Casino. Perhaps we could rename the Solent and carve the Donald’s face on the white cliffs.’


Plus they’ve got the Needles, so Don Jr ought to be right at home too.'




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