Defecating bears criticise undercover ITV team

Bears have reacted angrily to ITV’s undercover filming which apparently shows prominent members of the community shitting in the woods.

‘We were misled’, one bear said. ‘We thought they shared our interest in woodland activities. They were dressed in bear suits and convinced us they were bears, too. I feel dirty’.

The programme, due to air on Sunday evening, has divided the nation. Jerry (36) from Grimsby says: ‘I think we always knew what they did in those places. You just have to go to any woodland area, it’s obvious’. Frank (53) from Coventry disagrees: ‘Come on, we all do it. The metropolitan elite like to pretend they don’t, but we all know how dirty they really are. It’s natural.’

The leader of the bear community, known only as ‘Nigel’, has been uncharacteristically quiet all week. He typically holds a press conference twice a day, but has been absent since the early footage of members squeezing out a length, leading to speculation that his own filthy hole might have been caught on camera.

ITV refused to comment, though insiders are said to be excited about footage emerging from the Vatican City.

image by Grok

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New Wild Kat species discovered in Albert Square - with only one known living member

A celebrity cat from the East End of London has been confirmed as a new species.

The small pub landlady, about the size of a domestic cleaner, went under the radar because it was confused with other celebrity cats such as Cat Deeley, Cat Burns and Cat Stevens.

But DNA studies show Kat is actually in a class of her own, highlighting how much remains unknown about some of the world's most elusive cockneys.

Scientists hope the discovery will draw attention to the conservation of other city soap opera based creatures such as the elusive 'Fox' family, also in Walford, and a species of "Spider" only found in Manchester's Weatherfield that is now believed to be extinct.

"It's an amazing result that we have a new species for the world, which is the Leopardskin Legginsus," said Professor Ian Beale of the University of Bridge Street (formally Turpin Road Polytechnic).

"It's amazing that there are still new varieties waiting to be discovered: we don't have to go to a volcano, an island, or deep into the sea. They are sitting right on our own doorsteps, smashed out of their minds."

Photo: Newbiscuit Archive

Postman Pat book makes Booker Prize long list

'We absolutely must reflect every reader and books of all kinds,' said the extravagantly cardiganned Booker rep.  'And we are determined to make reading accessible for everyone, including seven-year-olds.

'We haven't long-listed this Postman Pat epic because of woke inclusion and diversity nonsense, it's because this book is what we call in the trade, a belter.  Although we do obviously welcome the revelation that Pat's famous black and white cat is LGBTQ+.  This book is on the list for merit alone and not as a cheap publicity stunt, although the media coverage is very welcome. 

The character development, narrative arc and plot have echoes of Chandler, Ishiguro, Fleming (Alexander, not Ian), and Jacqueline Wilson.  The book deals unflinchingly with dementia, memory loss, inappropriate behaviour, social media pile-ons, sexually transmitted disease, and the crisis in Gaza.  It packs a lot in. The book has trigger warnings for cats, uniforms, rural isolation, suicidal thoughts, animal harm, unsafe driving, unrealistic expectations, privatisation, and inappropriate language (for 7-year-olds).

'It is, overall, a hard hitting, but charming, read.  At risking of spoiling the denouement, I was very relieved that the missing letters were found in the end, and that they were delivered safely. This was, in no small part, due to the good work of a certain formerly-black but now rainbow-coloured cat.

'It is a relatively short read at 24 pages, and it is true that we don't usually admit books with so many pictures.  But this is a meritocracy, so Go Pat!

'Anyway, I was asked about the book's chances of making it from the long list to the Booker short list.  To be honest, I'm surprised you even asked.'

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