ITV launches ITVBradley

British broadcaster ITV today launched their newest channel ITVBradley on Freeview and Satellite, which is dedicated entirely to airing shows starring Bradley Walsh.

"We're giving the people what we presume they want; all Bradley, all day, every day!" said a spokesman. "It all came about entirely by chance, as during a meeting last week we were discussing who is going to present our inevitable remake of Strike It Lucky, and obviously Bradley's name came up first before Stephen Mulhern and Alan Carr. Someone remarked that he'd been on so much we could fill a channel with his shows, and just like that ITVBradley was born!"

"Despite what it sounds like, we're going to have a very varied schedule; in the morning we'll be showing the Wheel of Fortune episodes he presented, then a few instalments from Coronation Street when he was Danny Baldwin, then a four-hour block of The Chase because surely no-one is sick of it by now. We'll finish off in the evening with either Bradley Walsh & Son: Breaking Dad, Law and Order UK or that shit Darling Buds of May remake from a couple of years back. Of course we'll show movies, but since the only one he did was Mike Bassett: England Manager it'll just be that every Saturday night"

The news was met with mixed reactions from people, with one member of the public stating "he seems to be on bloody everything these days. The other day someone asked when was the last solid day of TV without him on any channel, and we were honestly stumped. ITV love him, BBC love him, Challenge seem to f**king adore him given how many Chase marathons they air! They're even trying to make his son famous now, so he clearly knows where the bodies are buried."

ITVBradley's launch comes hot on the heels of the launch of ITVCrime, a channel dedicated to the endless crime dramas that they insist on shoving down our throats all the time.

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The Traitors producer jumps ship to ITV

A top producer working on popular ‘stab in the back’ mainstream entertainment show has sensationally quit the programme and joined ITV. He left unannounced 24 hours after signing a new contract with the BBC to continue working on the show ‘forever.’ He reportedly signed the contract in blood and wept emotionally. Medical lawyers are now working on lab tests to establish whose blood it was, with observers said to believe it was his sleeping wife’s.

According to colleagues, the producer has a history of erratic fealty. A best friend at school said his school years were ruined when the supposed buddy exited the school gates with his arms round the bully who had tormented him for 5 years. ‘My ‘friend’ just winked and said, ‘Thanks for all that pocket money.’ To this day I still have trouble trusting pocket money’

The producer’s first wife also relayed stories of treachery. ‘He married me on the anniversary of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact. That always stuck with me.’ She said he then filed for divorce on the anniversary of Lord Haw Haw’s first broadcast from Berlin. Finally, she blames herself. ‘I should have known not to marry a man called Salvatore Tessio.’

Like horror movie The Exorcist, which was hit with a raft of supernatural incidents during filming, The Traitors has, in like manner, suffered all kinds of personal cheating events. A general lack of trust pervades the sets and staff refuse to give up personal information, including their eye colour. ‘Everyone wears lenses which change colour at random in case the tea ladies are using facial recognition software to empty our middle class bank accounts.’ We contacted a BBC representative for comment and he is now in a relationship with my partner.

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Krypton Factor super-children ‘bit of a disappointment’

It was one of the most-watched TV programmes from the late 70s to the mid 90s. Super-fit brainiacs ran an assault course, sat IQ tests and were tested on their powers of observation. Male and female finalists were then matched in a secret breeding process modelled on the Nazi ‘Lebensborn’ programme which produced that one from Abba you didn’t fancy.

‘We had high hopes for the Krypton Kids’, a spokesman told us. ‘Fit, intelligent, observant – the three qualities you need in a master race. The mistake the Nazis made was focusing too much on appearance. As long as they were white we didn’t care’.

The first products of the breeding programme are now in their forties, but have yet to discover cold fusion or form one quarter of a global superband. Where did the programme go wrong?

‘We were too picky, we should have had thousands of couples, tens of thousands’, the spokesman said. ‘Also, the ability to remember a number plate from a brief video might not have been the superpower we thought it was.’

Critics have generally been somewhat negative about eugenics-based breeding programmes, though Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘quite interested’ in a large-scale reboot.

Photo by Hal Gatewood on Unsplash