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Following recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.


Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water


In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.


He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.


After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.


A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: 'We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.


'Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.'


In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Ann Widdecombe to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.







Elon Musk has served 30 days notice on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s existence.


“The Terms & Conditions are plain to see, and by continuing to use the Twitter platform Mr Rees-Mogg is deemed to have accepted them”, an American-sounding lawyer told us.


“Parody accounts have to declare that they are parodies. Mr Rees-Mogg has failed to declare his parody status by the deadline and will be terminated”.


It’s a legal grey area. If JRM can evidence his humanity he would be spared termination. As we say, a grey area.




A fly which appears to prefer the Conservative side of the House of Commons is being considered as the next Prime Minister. A Tory backbencher without an embarrassing hairdo explained, 'Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested we hit it with a binned COP27 schedule of events, but it evaded all of our attempts to bring it down.


'Once it proved itself as smarter than anybody on the back benches, it was given free range of the front bench. It handled itself very well and did not cave within two minutes of PMQs. It doesn't have a shameful voting record and it's more popular than anyone we've had in post for quite a while now.


'We're confident it won't trot out a series of laughable and damaging policies and we think it's just the sort to unite the party. It has been made Minister for Ambush Cake, and we are already impressed with its conduct. It even got a few laughs on a recent episode of Mock the Week, before we had the BBC shut the programme down.


'The Daily Mail are saying it has a more credible stance on immigrants than Suella Braverman and that they are backing it, which is good enough for our decision making at the highest level. So we've changed the 1922 committee rules again, put it through on the nod, and fast-tracked it to a Lordship. Whatever the outcome, at least it has more control than Matt Hancock's flies.'



image from pixabay

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