Rees-Mogg embroiled in 'office stove fuel row' with cabinet colleagues and civil servants

Following recent visits in and around the government's Whitehall offices, Minister for Brexit Opportunities (whatever that is), Jacob Rees-Mogg, is said to have been 'discomfited and dismayed' to find many civil servants were not at their desks, preferring instead to continue to work from home.

Upon discovering this, Mr Rees-Mogg is understood to have left individual notes for when the officers return. NewsBiscuit has obtained a copy of the note.

Dear *****

I was quite thoroughly dismayed to find you were not at your desk when I called today.

Your many hard-working and considerably more diligent colleagues informed me you were "working from home".

I take a very dim view of this. We would not have defeated Mr Hitler, had our gallant forces adopted the same slovenly, lackadaisical and offhand attitude.

I suggest you buck up your ideas, or you will find your personal winter stove fuel allowance capped at a maximum 3 small-sized coals per day.

That is all.

J. Rees-Mogg (Secretary of State for Preposterous & Made-up Ministries)

One cabinet colleague who wished for her comments to remain off the record said. 'Well, that's Jacob all over isn't it? He really is an utterly hopeless dick. Embarrassingly out of touch with the modern era and work practices. But now if you'll forgive me, I'm off to Waterstones for my book signing."

Nanny declined invitations for Jacob to attend parties

Dickensian pipe-cleaner Jacob Rees-Mogg will not receive fixed penalty fines for attending Downing Street parties, because Nanny saw fit to formally decline all offers in a handwritten scroll handed in to Number 10 by Jacob, at luncheon.

Downing Street sources claim in the letter the MP for 19th century Somerset was ‘strictly forbidden to participate in fraternisation with subordinates in a way that may compromise his moral, spiritual, and ethical values by promoting the formation of a virtuous character and empathetic thinking.’

The letter also stipulated that ‘under no circumstance should the contents of Master Jacob’s piggy bank be used towards the purchase of alcohol, opium, harlots, or gifts for departing drones.’

An adviser close to Mr. Rees-Mogg divulged: ‘Jacob recently suggested he was too important to engage in turgid dalliance with Covid-saturated Downing Street plebs, mindlessly blathering on about the resurgence of some godforsaken ‘Gooners’ under Mikel Arteta, or participate in a spad circle-jerk over the latest footage of Matt Hancock’s cctv office rodeo show.

‘Let’s face it, no one was ever going to invite the Minister for Brexit Opportunities to a party and after a thimbleful of sweet sherry bore everyone stupid on karaoke with pithy ditties from HMS Pinafore.

‘And let’s say JRM was found to have attended parties, it’s common knowledge that if there’s any spanking to be administered there’s only one knee he’s going to lie across, and whose robust nipple he’ll gently but nostalgically bite down upon to ease the pain.

‘You know I’m referring to Nanny, not Bojo, don’t you?’

I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.

Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.

'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.

'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.

'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.

'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'

Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.