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Conservatives deny name change to 'The Ed Sheeran' Party is a diversionary tactic

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It's absurd to suggest that our proposed name change is a reaction to an unfortunate series of current events. We've been planning this for months, and it's nothing more than a forward step towards re-aligning our great and noble party with our voters. To say otherwise is Poppycock and piffle of the highest order,' said a source close to said Jacob Rees-Mogg, Keeper of her Majesties Hand Towels and Distraction Czar.


'We are in no way cashing in on the inexplicable popularity of a young man with ginger hair and a small guitar.


'No-one batted an eyelid when Labour temporarily changed its name to 'The Beatles Party' back in the sixties in a desperate bid to fool the electorate.'


'For some reason, the words 'The Conservative party' have become toxic, along with the name 'Boris Johnson.' Our leader is about as popular as Herring Gull shit on chips, and we're hoping this completely coincidental name change will do the trick and see us through the next by-election. We've also suggested to the Prime Minister that perhaps changing his name to Ed Sheeran would be a spiffingly good idea.'




Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

Updated: Jan 3, 2022


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Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.


A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.


"Jacob has very weak wrists', the source reveals. "He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.


"He's a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they'd had new press down handle cisterns installed.


"Eventually, he gave up and asked the then Shadow Home Secretary, Dianne Abbot, to do it for him.


"However, she had little luck herself, and after repeated flushings, still failed to dislodge a stubborn 'submarine' that he'd left submerged on the bottom"


Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once 'made the Queens eyes water' with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during his controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August last year.


However, Rees-Mogg's wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: "I'm afraid I can't deny the fact that Jacob's been struggling with that jar.


"It's become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.


"For you see, nobody's got the heart to tell him he's been turning it the wrong way"







Time Team revival scheduled for Xmas 2030 TV listing

  • Nov 21, 2021

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Renowned tv archaeology series Time Team is to be revived for one episode in a move designed to lift the battered spirits of the nation. The ever popular channel 4 series featured a group of archaeologists headed by comedy front man Tony Robinson using their skills to investigate a site of suspected interest. This particular episode will see the talented team taking their spades to the building site for a new drive-thru McDonalds in Downing Street in the city of Westminster.


Interest in the site first arose when a construction worker found a spectacle case embossed with the initials DC (Specsavers Barnard Castle ) in the rhododendrons in the back garden of what would have been number 10.


Archaeologist Phil Harding takes up takes up the story. “There have been all sorts of rumours about this being the seat of the UK government and bodies buried under the patio for a long time so we thought this would be a good opportunity to entertain the nation and put those silly stories to bed at the same time. I can’t say I’m terribly optimistic that we’ll find much and we have to prepare ourselves for disappointment.. You get a feeling about some places and. from what I’ve seen and heard so far I can’t believe there is going to enough evidence that this was ever an important admin centre - certainly not enough to warrant three days of digging “


To fill out the programme there will be add on features relating to the period when the site was thought to be active. These will include a laboratory sequence when an attempt will be made to carbon date three legendary characters, Jacob Rees Mogg, Nigel Farage. and Boris Johnson. Small slivers which are said to come from the heads of these individuals will be subjected to exhaustive tests.


Tony Robinson thought that viewers would be fascinated to hear the truth about these stalwarts long assumed to represent the best of the British nation. “Stories about individuals like these always arise in times of crisis” Tony said. “ King Arthur in the Dark Ages, Robin Hood in the Middle Ages and Benny Hill in the 1980’s but the findings always tend to be inconclusive. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to discover that neither Jacob, Nigel or Boris ever existed.”


Series producer Jolyon Bubbleworth was ecstatic when he spoke to NB about the programme failing to prove any of the speculation, “That failure will fit in nicely with the current national mood while at the same time helping the Brits feel better about themselves by disproving that such an unprepossessing building and such absurd people could ever have had an important role in the public life of the country” He added "Patriots will be able to hold their heads up high as they queue for their burgers.”






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