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Conservatives deny name change to 'The Ed Sheeran' Party is a diversionary tactic

'

It's absurd to suggest that our proposed name change is a reaction to an unfortunate series of current events. We've been planning this for months, and it's nothing more than a forward step towards re-aligning our great and noble party with our voters. To say otherwise is Poppycock and piffle of the highest order,' said a source close to said Jacob Rees-Mogg, Keeper of her Majesties Hand Towels and Distraction Czar.


'We are in no way cashing in on the inexplicable popularity of a young man with ginger hair and a small guitar.


'No-one batted an eyelid when Labour temporarily changed its name to 'The Beatles Party' back in the sixties in a desperate bid to fool the electorate.'


'For some reason, the words 'The Conservative party' have become toxic, along with the name 'Boris Johnson.' Our leader is about as popular as Herring Gull shit on chips, and we're hoping this completely coincidental name change will do the trick and see us through the next by-election. We've also suggested to the Prime Minister that perhaps changing his name to Ed Sheeran would be a spiffingly good idea.'




Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

Updated: Jan 3, 2022



Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.


A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.


"Jacob has very weak wrists', the source reveals. "He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.


"He's a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they'd had new press down handle cisterns installed.


"Eventually, he gave up and asked the then Shadow Home Secretary, Dianne Abbot, to do it for him.


"However, she had little luck herself, and after repeated flushings, still failed to dislodge a stubborn 'submarine' that he'd left submerged on the bottom"


Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once 'made the Queens eyes water' with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during his controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August last year.


However, Rees-Mogg's wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: "I'm afraid I can't deny the fact that Jacob's been struggling with that jar.


"It's become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.


"For you see, nobody's got the heart to tell him he's been turning it the wrong way"







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