‘Hancock genius' remark signals Rees-Mogg's return to frontline politics

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.

The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.

On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’

‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’

Jacob Rees-Mogg now fully weaned

The entity known as Jacob Rees-Mogg, is aged 52 of your Earth years and is now fully weaned.

Rees-Mogg, who lists his hobbies as ordering urchins up chimneys, taking away the rights of workers and nanny’s bosom, has vigorously embraced his absurdly right-wing human-shaped avatar, pronouncing Matt Hancock as a genius, and threatening to administer as many thwacking to as many orphans as he has to in order to get women and the working classes to believe it.

A Tory spokeswoman, who did not wish to be named added ‘Jacob was weaned off “nanny’s nectar” after Brexit as British cows are now so much happier producing British milk.’

She then retched violently before whispering ‘You’ve got to get me out of here. He says there were good people on both sides of the Amritsar massacre. I have to keep this job a secret from my real friends… Help me!’

Rees-Mogg noted that if Brexit had taught us anything, and in his view it hadn't, then the sun should never again set on the uplands of the British Empire before continuing in Latin, then Greek for 15 more minutes, becoming increasingly aroused, eyes rolling backwards in his head, his glasses steaming up at the point of climax.

He then reclined on a rococo chaise longue, before flicking his fingers together and whispering ‘You should see what Gove gets up to... Brrrrap.’