The US Department of Justice has issued a statement saying they “don’t want to hear a whole load of conspiracy theories” after Ghislaine Maxwell commits suicide this weekend.
“I know what you people are like - you go on the internet, find a blogpost casting doubt on the official version of events, and the whole thing spirals from there.
“But I don’t want to see that happening this weekend after Ghislaine Maxwell’s found dead in her cell. It’s suicide, plain and simple… or will be, I should say. So don’t go getting yourselves and other people all worked up over nothing.”
The spokesman went on to complain he told them not to do it at the weekend, as people just have too much free time to gossip and speculate, but no one listens to him.
Asked whether the whole thing wasn’t just a bit too much like Jeffrey Epstein, he replied “No, not at all - this time we’ll get the ligature marks at the right angle.”
image from pixabay
The card can be personalized to feature any sex island of your choice. The list of images are all incredibly tasteful- they include Peter Mandelson laughing with a sex criminal, Peter Mandelson shopping with a sex criminal or Peter Mandelson appearing on TV pretending he never met the guy.
The "my best pal" range has a Mandelson selection of Kompromat messages. It offers a variety of fonts - all of them bloody. And can be translated into English or Israeli depending on which intelligence group you are lobbying for. The cards feature best wishes with all endeavours - "I hear you are to be assassinated in prison - Get Well Soon" "I hear your recently slept with Prince Andrew- Happy 14th birthday" and the every popular "I hear you are the biggest creep in the entire world - Good Luck with new job as Ambassador to the US".
image from Google Gemini