Shock as Epstein Files reveal huge number of references to Mr Blobby

The first tranche of the Epstein files were released by the US Justice Department yesterday and shockingly revealed a decade long relationship between Epstein and popular UK Entertainer, Mr Blobby.

The nature of their relationship is unclear but flight logs showed that Mr Blobby was on a number of flights to Epstein Island. Further analysis into these flights showed that he jumped out of the plane prior to landing on a number of occasions; tried to take over piloting the plane; haphazardly served food and drinks to other celebrities; and tried to ride a drinks trolley out of the airplane door whilst carrying Bill Clinton on his shoulder.

A spokesman for Mr Blobby told us, "Mr Blobby regrets his relationship with Mr Epstein and witnessed no crimes being perpetrated. My client barely remembers being on the plane and has not had any contact with Mr Epstein since the mid-2000s. He had travelled as a guest of Bill Clinton as he was advising him on Foreign Policy at the time."

We reached out directly to Mr Blobby in person at his mansion in Surrey but he simply barged us hilariously out of the way whilst shouting, "BLOBBY, BLOBBY, BLOBBY" before getting in a large chauffeur driven car. Noel Edmonds was unavailable for comment.

image from Google Gemini

Ghislaine Maxwell moving to Club Fed 'definitely not suspicious'

The transfer of Ghislaine Maxwell to Prison Camp Bryan, a Texas facility so cushy that it’s come to be known as 'Club Fed', was today described as 'definitely not suspicious' by a White House spokesman.

'It’s true she was living in pretty hellish conditions on Riker’s Island and then in Tallahassee,' the spokesman admitted, 'and now she’s basically on a sun lounger by the pool having drinks with little umbrellas brought to her. But people shouldn’t read into this that she’s cut any sort of deal with us.'

However a number of journalists seem to feel the very act of denying it’s suspicious makes it seem pretty suspicious, especially since the denial that a deal had been done was issued before anyone had even suggested it. However the spokesman reiterated that there’s nothing to see here.

'No, the statement she’ll make next week that President Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein, and certainly never went to his island, will surprise us as much as anyone else.'

For her part, Maxwell said she’s been offered a full pardon by the administration, but refused on the grounds that her life there is probably as close to her former life of luxury as she’s ever likely to get.

Image: Wix AI

Cheating to be acceptable before Open returns to Turnberry

Organisers of the British Open have announced that the golf tournament could take place at Turnberry again only if cheating at golf ceases to be one of the most heinous crimes ever devised.  The Royal and Ancient explained that golf prides itself on its long history of self-policing etiquette and absolute respect for the rules, and those that break them are as socially unacceptable as women were in golf clubs until Gordon Brown interfered.

The statement by the Royal and Ancient follows a recent round played at Turnberry by US President Donald Trump during which the level of sportsmanship expected of all competitors while on the course owned by his family was explicitly demonstrated.  The British Open has not been held at Turnberry since Trump bought the course in 2014, despite him declaring it the best course anywhere in the world for caddies to carry lots of spare balls to drop on the fairways and greens in case his gets lost.  'The players all want to be at Turnberry,' Trump told reporters before his round which he completed without any penalty strokes at all, despite losing 24 balls.  It is understood that there were absolutely no instances at all of Trump kicking his ball into better positions during the round, so none of his playing partners needed to refer to him as 'Pele' this time.

Some members of the media considered Trump apparently cheating at golf was just the latest attempt to distract everyone from the Epstein files.  However, many golfers around the world regarded it as far worse than anything he may have been involved in with his alleged paedophile former best buddy, who he has never met.

image from pixabay

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