Miracle declared as face of Jesus appears in painting of Jesus

A woman from Newcastle-under-Lyme has spotted the face of Jesus in a painting of Jesus. Christine Spooner, a 61-year-old chorister from the Stoke-on-Trent area was dusting her Jesus shelf in the 'other' sitting room of her terraced house nobody is allowed to use unless the Queen visits, when she noticed what looked for all the world like the face of Jesus. 'I immediately took a photo of it, and posted it on Twitter. Within the hour, 4,000 people had agreed that it definitely looked like our saviour. It's a miracle! I feel so blessed that it is me who he has chosen to appear to.'

In an unrelated incident the same day, Jesus has been accused of wearing brownface at a party in Nazareth. Jeremy Spooner, 61, a tone deaf vicar from Newcastle-under-Lyme noticed that a stained glass representation of Jesus had him looking 'somewhat swarthy'. The Laughably Reverend Spooner explained, 'I happened to glance up at the window, and there he was, not looking as white as he ought to. I contacted the world's leading authority on such matters, the grumbling page of the Daily Mail online, and within the hour 4,000 people had agreed that our saviour should not have been wearing brownface at that important meeting he was attending with his disciples where absolutely no water was turned into wine.'

If you have recently witnessed a miracle, please contact the Manchester United gift shop.

Image: GDJ | Pixabay

Jesus angry that his chocolate egg much smaller than the box

Rising again on Easter Day, the Lord complained: ‘What the f$ck is this? I don’t mind that the chocolate industry has completely hijacked the festival of my resurrection, but they are completely taking the piss with the ratio of box to egg. I was expecting something the size of my head, instead I’ve got a bigger disappointment than when I got a ‘friends forever’ tattoo with Judas. Imagine if I pulled this $hit with loaves and fishes – ‘Sorry, Galilee, all I’ve got is half a pilchard’.

Jesus Only Given Two-Star AirBnB Rating

There was consternation across Nazareth today as it was revealed that Top AirBnB host in the region Joseph of Arimathea only gave Jesus a guest score of two stars following his three-day stay in a property on the outskirts of Jerusalem.

According to the comments left by the businessman, while Christ was a quiet guest, he not only returned to the property after checkout time and interrupted the staff, he also left the sheets badly stained with an outline of his body, and - most concerning to Joseph - left the front door wide open when leaving.

In Galilee, Jesus was nonplussed about the low score given and how it might affect future stays using the platform, 'It's not that big a deal,' he said. 'I'm only using the thing while travelling round as an alternative to sofa-surfing. I've got a dozen or so friends who I can always crash with, and I'm only really in the area for another 40 days until I head home.'