Queen asks Paddington to form new government

During a break in filming their Platinum Jubilee sketch, the Queen was overheard asking Paddington Bear to form a new government of national unity or ‘marmalade coalition’.

A spokesbear roared ‘We’re getting Brexit pursued by a bear done. In terms of candidates for the top jobs, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh and Bungle from Rainbow coming in. Paddington was considering Rupert the Bear too, but in common with many Ruperts, he’s a right little Tory. Our policies will include hourly flights to Lima and a rapid increase in the UK’s duffel coat production.’

Once captured, Boris Johnson will be moved to London Zoo, but if he is unable to stop flinging excrement and masturbating then he will be humanely destroyed.

image form pixabay

Nanny declined invitations for Jacob to attend parties

Dickensian pipe-cleaner Jacob Rees-Mogg will not receive fixed penalty fines for attending Downing Street parties, because Nanny saw fit to formally decline all offers in a handwritten scroll handed in to Number 10 by Jacob, at luncheon.

Downing Street sources claim in the letter the MP for 19th century Somerset was ‘strictly forbidden to participate in fraternisation with subordinates in a way that may compromise his moral, spiritual, and ethical values by promoting the formation of a virtuous character and empathetic thinking.’

The letter also stipulated that ‘under no circumstance should the contents of Master Jacob’s piggy bank be used towards the purchase of alcohol, opium, harlots, or gifts for departing drones.’

An adviser close to Mr. Rees-Mogg divulged: ‘Jacob recently suggested he was too important to engage in turgid dalliance with Covid-saturated Downing Street plebs, mindlessly blathering on about the resurgence of some godforsaken ‘Gooners’ under Mikel Arteta, or participate in a spad circle-jerk over the latest footage of Matt Hancock’s cctv office rodeo show.

‘Let’s face it, no one was ever going to invite the Minister for Brexit Opportunities to a party and after a thimbleful of sweet sherry bore everyone stupid on karaoke with pithy ditties from HMS Pinafore.

‘And let’s say JRM was found to have attended parties, it’s common knowledge that if there’s any spanking to be administered there’s only one knee he’s going to lie across, and whose robust nipple he’ll gently but nostalgically bite down upon to ease the pain.

‘You know I’m referring to Nanny, not Bojo, don’t you?’

Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu