top of page
Search

Christmas Cracker Jokes


Here is our seasonal medley of Christmas cracker jokes. Some of them are traditional favourites. And some of them are home groan...



Q. What's the best way to steal treacle?

A. Syruptitiously


Q. What do shepherds put on their walls?

A. Flock wallpaper


Q: What is the most common owl in Britain?

A: The "teet"


Q. What's the most common owl in America?

A. The superb


Q. Why did the crow join the fitness class?

A. To improve his caw strength.


Q. What's E.T. short for?

A. Because he's got little legs!


Q. Which Californian city gave Father Christmas an alternative name?

A. Santa Moniker


Q. How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

A. Pantene


Q. Where is the best place in the world to sketch Dracula?

A. Pencilvania


Q. What's the difference between a large toilet roll & a small one?

A. On the whole, no difference


Q. What do you call social media for religious people?

A. FaithTime


Q. What's not on Andrew's cake this Christmas?

A. Royal icing


Q. What royals is Andrew having for Christmas lunch?

A. Jersey royals


Q. What's on the Louvre Christmas card this year?

A. A robin



With contributions from deskpilot, granger, hokeyloki, jeremynh, and modelmaker.

Train Strikes Causing Classic Jokes To Fail




Train strikes have rendered the punchlines to classic jokes inaccurate and the revised alternatives just aren’t as funny. The popular joke asking what’s white and yellow and goes at sixty miles an hour is now; what’s white and yellow and goes at zero miles an hour? A striking train driver's egg sandwich.


A sandwich travelling very fast is an amusing image. A stationary sandwich is not. A fast egg sandwich is also likely to produce an eggy waft of scent, a static sandwich much less so.


A joke which often pops out of a Christmas cracker is How do you weigh a whale? Take him to a whaleweigh (railway) station! This joke now requires an addendum stating; there’s no point taking him to a whaleweigh (railway) station on Thursday or Saturday, because of the strikes.


This isn’t amusing, it’s just a potentially wasted journey with a big mammal of uncertain tonnage.


The punchline of there isn’t one, we’ve had to send the toffee by road instead, is a crap punchline to the popular confectionery joke what do you call a train full of toffee? This used to be a chew chew train! And was enjoyed by all ages.


The joke what is a train driver’s favourite footwear? Platform shoes! Is also not working very well but that’s because platform shoes were a popular shoe choice in the 1970s but not now, although since strikes have come back into fashion in a big way, maybe the platform shoe will too.


First published 17 Aug 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














bottom of page