'We've retired Regan and Carter and introduced fresh blood,' said a BBC spokesman today. 'Detective Inspector Starmer leads the McFlying Squad nicknamed the McSweeney, supported by Sergeant Mandelson. Instead of investigating violent thugs who always end up just outside of Heathrow, they're now investigating white collar crime, with Sergeant Mandelson also investigating white underwear as well,' he added, noting, 'but Heathrow still features, mainly Terminal five.'
The no-nonsense duo pitch up in episode one with Mandelson going undercover to find out as much as he can about a paedophile ring run by a shady international financier called Epstein, with Starmer keeping a low profile counting paperclips and shuffling intel reports suggesting Sergeant Mandelson might be compromised, so the incriminating reports keep moving to the bottom of the pile, codenamed 'Operation Plausible Deniability'.
In episode two the Royal Family have abdicated en-masse, Sergeant Mandelson has been uncovered as a double agent and consequently promoted to Superintendent where he moves to replace DI Starmer with his arch-nemesis DI Farage, brought in from heading up the Fraud Squad, mainly as their prime suspect. DI Rayner recognises that the McFlying Squad is in danger of looking capable and is manoeuvring to take over the whole department. In a hat-tip to the original Sweeney series someone shouts 'slaaaaaaag', but you'll have to wait until episode three to find out who it was referring to. Or perhaps not.
"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him.
"Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker.
"He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours.
"Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning straight after Mandelson had fixed him with a hypnotic gaze and started to sing: 'Trust in me. Just in me. Shut your eyes and trust in me.'"
Lord Peter 'Kaa' Mandelson is 72 years old in snake years.
image by Grok