Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

image from pixabay

New Bond movie to feature abandoned Chinese spy case

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'Our next blockbuster will be based on a real-life drama,' said a spokes-clapper board for the Bond franchise. It will have 007 travelling across five continents, jumping out of helicopters and dodging laser beams by millimetres, to capture two people alleged to have spied against Britain for China.'

'There's a fascinating plot twist when it turns out he may as well not have bothered, because they get let off.'

The ending is, indeed, the dampest squib ever to have been inflicted on the film-going public, as a chinless wonder from the Foreign Office persuades the Crown Prosecution Service to abandon the case.

'It would have meant the government saying in open court that China is our enemy, M tells Bond. 'But we can't have that. Otherwise, the Chinese might get upset and treat even more horribly than they do now.

'But thank you ever so much for risking your life yet again in the defence of Britain, 007.'

'What's the point?" Bond replies, ripping up his licence to kill. "Whatever is the sodding point any more?'

The new Bond movie, "On Her Majesty's Spineless Service", won't be opening at a Crown Court near you.

Newsbiscuit - Best of October 2024

October 2024

After all that stuff about a fiscal black hole, and the winter fuel payment thing, there was considerable anxiety about the Budget. Sound familiar? Rachel Reeves delivered her budget on October 30^th and whacked businesses with big rises in National Insurance and minimum wage costs. Still, at least she didn’t break any manifesto commitments. Kind of. The Conservatives continued to grind through a leadership election process, hampered by the complete lack of any decent candidates. Just think, back then Robert Jenrick was still considered middle of the road.

In the US, presidential candidate Kamala Harris (remember her?} released her medical records. And Donald Trump continued to not release his.

In entertainment news, Jeremy Clarkson had a cardiac thingy, and had to go to the NHS. Turns out, he does have a heart. Who knew? In sporting news, female pensioners were aghast at Wimbledon’s plans to remove their eye candy, and replace line judges with Hawkeye. No, not the guy from M*A*S*H.

Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from October 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

UK politics

Budget changes are disastrous / brilliant

Labour puts taxes up to avoid tax rises

Box of Frogs hiding in Kemi Badenoch suit

Gardeners on alert as MI5 say attacks planned on UK soil

US and world politics

Donald Trump's Medical Report, by Dr Seuss

Elon Musk has a paddy because we’re still calling it Twitter

Israel’s day of atonement extended to full week

Jeremy Clarkson

Dodgy moment during Clarkson heart operation as the surgeon’s hand slipped and Jeremy’s nose lit up.

Other news

Shop fitting error traps 29 in Ikea

Tate to charge £400k to throw food at art works

Post Office admits pre-Horizon system Abacus may have been faulty

Police return £8 million worth of chips stolen by seagulls

Fans of Mrs Brown's Boys Shocked by Rehearsal Revelation

Headlines - politics

Lettuce makes late bid for Tory leadership

Burning rubbish overtakes politics as dirtiest form of power

After attacking UN, Israel to start stomping on kittens

Gen Z and Gen Alpha reject GenRick

Special episode of Little Britain to feature Badenoch & Jenrick

Starmer: I won't raise taxes for working people... but Rachel will...

'Feels like 14 years already' says Starmer

All of Starmer's decisions so far described as complete no-brainers

Strange drone over the Pentagon revealed to be a broadcast of Keir Starmer’s speech

Tory party lumbered with choice between two Liz-Truss-calibre leadership candidates

...more headlines...

Are you wasting your time online? Take our quiz to find out

Barefoot man finally realises Socktober is not a thing

Charity regrets its slogan 'Let's help bone cancer patients'

Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen

Local selling Cuban food, drink and cigars becomes Castro pub

Elderly nuns to star in action movie Old Habits Die Hard

Local dog-sitter flattened hundreds of pups

Man with a chip on his shoulder attacked by seagulls

...and some more...

Woman who wants to have her cake and eat it buys two cakes

Man who ‘always goes the extra mile’ sacked from taxi driver job

Man who fights fire with fire sacked from the Fire Service

Printer admits it hasn’t run out of ink, it’s just taking the p!ss

Where to look to see the comet passing by for the first time in 800,000 years. Up.

London Eye 'on the blink'

Hawk-Eye to replace line judges? You can NOT be serious!!

Man enters 11th hour of 5-minute DIY task