70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.

An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.

Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.

So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.

image from pixabay

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Labour Party agree sponsorship deal with Man Utd

After the Barcelona football team agreed a sponsorship deal with an African country, another unusual deal is hitting the headlines. Astonishingly, the UK Labour Party is believed to have agreed a shirt sponsorship deal with Manchester United.

The deal between Barcelona and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) will ‘raise the profile of the country’ and see Barça players’ shirts bearing the slogan DR Congo – Heart of Africa.

The deal between Labour and Man U will ‘raise the profile of the party’ and see players shirts bearing the slogan ‘Up The Reds’. Labour insiders think that the best chance of getting anyone to shout ‘Up The Reds’ these days is at a Man United football match.

The arrangement has been criticised by the other parties, who probably can’t afford to follow suit.  A team called the Clacton Over-50s Occasionals is thought to have rejected an approach from Reform.

Labour insist that the sponsorship deal is good value, and will get them priceless screen time on sports channels and, occasionally, on the BBC. The deal is thought to include free football strip for Cabinet members and free tickets to every match. They say that this deal is part of their levelling up agenda, and that a planned deal with Arsenal was rejected by some stroppy back benchers. 

As part of the deal, Manchester United have promised to promote equality and diversity, to avoid playing any away games in Israel, to ensure that match catering is from sustainable food sources, and to occasionally win a match, if circumstances allow.

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UK to install recording devices in your arse

After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult, under local anesthetic or three pints of larger. RFPs will be keep everyone on their toes, literally - it will be very uncomfortable to sit.

Sir Keir Starmer is the man with a vision and far too much lube. The RFPs will monitor all illicit behaviour - although many argue the vibration warning will act as an incentive not a deterrent.

They will come in a range of colours, but who would know. But you can upgrade to a cheeky fox tail antenna. Explained the Minister: 'Oh, it's not about tracking you, we just thought it would be funny.'

image from pixabay

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