2024 confirmed as 'stupidest year ever'

The Central Intelligence Agency has confirmed that 2024 is the stupidest year on record.  The past ten years have all been in the top ten, in an extraordinary run of record-breaking stupidity.

2024 saw some incidents of spectacular stupidity, including the election of Donald Trump, the claim that Navalny died of natural causes, Rishi Sunak announcing an election in the pouring rain, Glasgow’s disastrous ‘Willy Wonka Experience’, Raygun’s breakdancing at the Olympics, dynamic ticket pricing fails for that Oasis gig, Rachel Reeves 'boosting growth' by raising business taxes by £40bn and Keir’s call for the ‘return of the sausages’.

The greatest contribution to an increasingly stupid work was made by one man.  His actions and pronouncements have single-handedly moved the dial on global stupidity – Donald Trump.  His contributions in 2024 included claims that migrants were eating pets, magnets don’t work underwater, and Hannibal Lecter was a great man. And a bizarre speech about Arnold Palmer’s manhood.

Academics now concerned that the planet can never return to the average levels of stupidity in 1850-1900.   But the UK government is refusing to fund research into increasing stupidity levels, in case anyone makes fun of them.

Experts are unable to agree on the root causes of increasing stupidity, which are thought to include too much screen time, alternative facts, dumb things on social media, ultra processed foods, declining educational standards, global warming, artificial intelligence, chatbots, the dark web, brain rot, and GB News.

Starmer to scrap NHS and England... sorry, NHS England

Confusion has followed the announcement that Labour would be cutting the NHS, mainly because we thought it had been phased out years ago. Now it turns out they plan to remove the administrative regulator of the NHS and replace it with a pothole, filled patient data and regret.

The PM made it clear that the £8bn funding shortfall would be made it up from saved post-it notes. Any vital jobs will be replaced by AI and a quick game of Hasbro's Operation. A Government spokeswoman clarified: 'We are absolutely not getting rid of the NHS core services...that's next week.'

Image: WixAI

International Intelligence sharing outfit to become 'four-eyes'

The Five Eyes intelligence sharing between the United States, the United Kingdom, Australia, Canada and New Zealand is likely to be reduced due to fears that one of the alliance might not be trustworthy enough.  As a result a breakaway group headed by the UK and including all of the countries in Five eyes bar the one headed by a lunatic will share intelligence between themselves and provide only disinformation to the excluded member. 

A working name for the new group is 'Four Eyes' and it appears Keir Starmer thinks it will be a popular name, especially as he has been known by that moniker since the General Election where he started to sport designer glasses.

The excluded member, which has recently adopted a stance of denying providing necessary intelligence to allies is known to the Four Eyes group as 'Big Nose'.  Keir Starmer has denied that he is involved in a playground spat between Four Eyes and Big Nose.

image from pixabay

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