Starmlin purges party of “counter-revolutionary elements”

In a surprise move, Sir Keir Starmlin has moved swiftly to purge the party of what he called 'reactionary and counter-revolutionary elements'.

In a Pravda editorial thought to be by Starmlin himself, former party members Diane Abbottovic and Faiza Shaheeniev were accused of conspiring with the exiled traitor Corbsky and attempting to bring about counter-revolution. And also liking a tweet ten years ago.

The traitors were dragged from their beds in the middle of the night and arrested. It’s thought they will offer no defence of their actions, as a result of the recent ruling that accusing the NEC of making a mistake is itself a treasonous act. Party workers will now begin the work of airbrushing them out of any photos showing them next to the Dear Leader.

When the arrests were announced at a party meeting, they were met with applause lasting several hours, as people feared that whoever stopped clapping first would probably join them in the gulag.

Image credit: Wix AI

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Labour’s six pledges: the first draft

A cleaner at Labour HQ claims to have found the first draft of the six pledges in a waste paper basket.

The pledges have clearly been through a long process of discussion, development and testing with focus groups, as you can see from the following first draft:

Labour pledges to the electorate (first draft, Not For Tory Eyes)

1. No lying, and no lying about lying

2. No crashing the economy with bonkers budget promises

3. No government contracts for anyone’s mates, especially if you met them in the pub

4. No talk of picaninnies, watermelon smiles and letterbox burqas

5. No bunking off Cobra meetings for parties, wine in suitcases, or any other reason

6. No defending criminals, perverts, racists, weirdos and holocaust deniers, even if they are MPs

7. PM to resign immediately if more than 50 members of the government resign within 48 hours

As you can see, the Labour party has worked hard to develop these rather negative ideas into the more positive pledges set out at the recent launch event. The original draft may still, however, prove valuable to Labour candidates in the run up to the general election, when talking to voters.

Hat tip to Titus

Image: Pexels - Pixabay

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