FIFA to introduce 256 team World Cup

After the 'overwhelming success of our 48 team World Cup', FIFA have announced that future tournaments will consist of 256 teams.

FIFA Head, Geniuso Infinitissimo, stated he was aware that there were fewer than 256 associations within FIFA but that a bigger tournament would surely 'stimulate more members, even beyond the FIFA boardroom'.

'It would be a huge boon to areas where football is hardly played like Antarctica and Sealand. Wouldn't it be brilliant for all the football players in those territories to play on proper pitches in half-full stadiums? Who wouldn't want to see a Vatican City team, or even the Isle of Wight?

In our discussions over reintroducing Russia to future tournaments, other suggestions such as South Ossetia, Transnistria and Donbas have been put forward and Mr Trump has also said Greenland could have their own team in the tournament if certain conditions are met. So we are confident that the 256 team target will be easily met and FIFA can help football become an even greater force for world peace'.

A FIFA spokesman also 'vehemently denied' that the proposal was being heavily pushed by Italy as a way of ensuring that they would qualify for the next Finals.

Meanwhile in Pyongyang, North Korea are celebrating tonight after an amazing win in the FIFA World Cup Final. Pyongyang's Rungrado 1st of May Stadium was packed out as the hosts beat an Argentina side, consisting of some very dark Eastern-Asian-looking players, in a 15 goal thriller.

The 15 - 0 score just shows how amazing the North Korean team has become since winning the last one, and their top scorer, Kim Jong Un, came down from the Royal Box to score 9 goals in the last three minutes.

Accepting the trophy from himself, Kim, told the captive spectators that this was a sure sign that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea was the greatest country in the world. The crowd celebrated long into the night before they were released to go back to their homes to prepare for an early start.

H/T: dominicmcg

Image: WixAI

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Trump says White House Christmas tree visible from space

Half the lights on the White House Christmas tree are not working due to federal cutbacks affecting electricity supply. But President Trump still insists the tree is visible from outer space.

'We have a tree,' he told reporters, 'And it is a very fine tree, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s maybe 3,000-feet tall. In fact, I think it’s the tallest tree that has ever been seen, and you know it’s a beautiful thing this tree, it’s really a beautiful thing.'

Staff at the National Parks Service have said the tree is actually a more modest three metres tall, though this hasn’t prevented the familiar balancing issues. Trump’s aides have had to use bricks – easily available thanks to the work going on next door – to raise first one side, then the other. Trump allegedly observed: 'If that doesn't work, we can always get a couple of migrants from Mexico to lie down at the base until it’s level. Or sleepy Joe, he could do with the rest.'

Further federal cuts introduced by Trump have affected the holiday period itself. The traditional "12days of Christmas" has now been slashed to six, and Christmas Day itself is being declared an ordinary working day, although the president will be spending it at his home in Mar-a-Lago in Florida.

However, some things remain the same. The White House has confirmed the president will once again be playing Secret Santa with President Putin of Russia; the Chinese leader Xi Jinping; the Hungarian leader Viktor Orban; Kim Jong Un of North Korea; and the leader of Saudi Arabia, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud.

There is an agreed one million-dollar limit for presents and all gifts will be delivered by drone. The drones that were recently sent by Putin to Belgium were a dummy run, though observers say they did much to make the country more interesting.

Meanwhile, the lights that weren’t working have been replaced by candles. Not a good move…

Photo by simon on Unsplash

“Selling Washington” criticised for stereotyping

Writers of the hit scripted reality show “Selling Washington” have been criticised for resorting to stereotypes by having the show’s two biggest bitches, Donella and Elonia, fall out with each other.

“We’ve seen it a million times in shows like this,” complained cultural commentator Lorna Putz. “Two permatanned, overly made up airheads, who obsess about their appearance but somehow still manage not to be attractive, start out as friends but soon have a huge falling out and start sniping at each other. Don’t the writers realise what an insulting stereotype that is?”

The writers retorted that the show is only showing a heightened version of who these people really are. “It’s not like they’re actors, playing characters who are nothing like them. They don’t remotely have the talent for that.

“Besides, it’s what the public want. All the way back to Dynasty having to include at least one catfight in every season, as it sent the ratings through the roof like nothing else.”

Asked whether this meant we’d be seeing Donella and Elonia coming to blows in a future episode, the writers laughed and said “Well, we might not want to take it that far. I mean, one of them has a nuclear arsenal, the other a fleet of space rockets. If they really got down to it, I’m not sure there’d be anyone left to watch.

“No, we’re thinking more of a plotline where one of them starts palling around with Kimjongunia to make the other one jealous.”

image from lockjaw

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