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Half the lights on the White House Christmas tree are not working due to federal cutbacks affecting electricity supply. But President Trump still insists the tree is visible from outer space.


'We have a tree,' he told reporters, 'And it is a very fine tree, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s maybe 3,000-feet tall. In fact, I think it’s the tallest tree that has ever been seen, and you know it’s a beautiful thing this tree, it’s really a beautiful thing.'


Staff at the National Parks Service have said the tree is actually a more modest three metres tall, though this hasn’t prevented the familiar balancing issues. Trump’s aides have had to use bricks – easily available thanks to the work going on next door – to raise first one side, then the other. Trump allegedly observed: 'If that doesn't work, we can always get a couple of migrants from Mexico to lie down at the base until it’s level. Or sleepy Joe, he could do with the rest.'


Further federal cuts introduced by Trump have affected the holiday period itself. The traditional "12days of Christmas" has now been slashed to six, and Christmas Day itself is being declared an ordinary working day, although the president will be spending it at his home in Mar-a-Lago in Florida.


However, some things remain the same. The White House has confirmed the president will once again be playing Secret Santa with President Putin of Russia; the Chinese leader Xi Jinping; the Hungarian leader Viktor Orban; Kim Jong Un of North Korea; and the leader of Saudi Arabia, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud.


There is an agreed one million-dollar limit for presents and all gifts will be delivered by drone. The drones that were recently sent by Putin to Belgium were a dummy run, though observers say they did much to make the country more interesting.


Meanwhile, the lights that weren’t working have been replaced by candles. Not a good move…


Photo by simon on Unsplash

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Writers of the hit scripted reality show “Selling Washington” have been criticised for resorting to stereotypes by having the show’s two biggest bitches, Donella and Elonia, fall out with each other.


“We’ve seen it a million times in shows like this,” complained cultural commentator Lorna Putz. “Two permatanned, overly made up airheads, who obsess about their appearance but somehow still manage not to be attractive, start out as friends but soon have a huge falling out and start sniping at each other. Don’t the writers realise what an insulting stereotype that is?”


The writers retorted that the show is only showing a heightened version of who these people really are. “It’s not like they’re actors, playing characters who are nothing like them. They don’t remotely have the talent for that.


“Besides, it’s what the public want. All the way back to Dynasty having to include at least one catfight in every season, as it sent the ratings through the roof like nothing else.”


Asked whether this meant we’d be seeing Donella and Elonia coming to blows in a future episode, the writers laughed and said “Well, we might not want to take it that far. I mean, one of them has a nuclear arsenal, the other a fleet of space rockets. If they really got down to it, I’m not sure there’d be anyone left to watch.


“No, we’re thinking more of a plotline where one of them starts palling around with Kimjongunia to make the other one jealous.”


image from lockjaw



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The Deary-me Leader Kim Jong-un celebrated the successful firing of another missile into the ocean this week. 'This is a great day for phytoplankton. For too long the running dogs of the American imperialists have oppressed the little guys at the bottom of the food chain, gobbling phytoplankton with no regard for its rights. Well, we showed them.'


Journalists asked how Americans are oppressing single-celled marine plant life. 'They banned eating whales, which reduced predatorial pressure on zooplankton, thus increasing zooplankton numbers and reducing phytoplankton in a systemic response. Don’t they teach ecological population dynamics to journalists anymore?'


When questioned further about whether a North Korean missile could really distinguish between friendly phytoplankton and zooplanktonic foes, Kim Jong-un was philosophical. 'Even one’s own must be sacrificed in war, just ask uncle Vlad.'


Author: Dogular


Image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs


First published 10 May 2022


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