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Reform UK has thrown it's weight behind equal opportunities in the corruption, lobbying and bungs sector, following revelations that it has taken donations from an associate of the leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran.


'While we may previously have described the ayatollahs as Muslim madmen who are greater dangers to the UK than Russia' said a party spokesperson Ronald Garage, 'it now turns out they could be greater donors than Russia, too.'


'So let's put an end to this nonsense that we're prejudiced. We don't care about the colour of your skin, only the colour of your money. As long as you don't want to come and actually live here of course.'


Sources suggest the party is preparing to go even further into the Axis of Evil to prove it's openness to working people from all corners of the world, with a waterskiing holiday with Kim Jong Un pencilled in. 'Yes he spouts a load of lefty claptrap' said Mr Garage, 'but underneath all that talk, Mr Wrong Un is just a regular guy who likes living in luxury while keeping the plebs onside with scary stories about foreigners. We can definitely do business.'


Image: WixAI



The global outpouring of love and respect for Dolly Parton has confused many statesmen. Donald Trump has asked aides whether people will say similar things about him when he passes. He’s still waiting for an answer. It's getting tense now.


Kim Jong Un felt a natural affinity with the diminutive character with unbelievable hair, but continues to search for her instruments of intimidation. How else can you achieve popularity?


Vladimir Putin has ordered an investigation into the Nashville Intelligence Agency’s obvious psy-ops activities, praising the skilful use of a fictional character and advanced disinformation techniques.


NewsBiscuit can reassure world leaders: when your time comes, the line will be even longer than it was for Dolly Parton. And where you’re going, the gallons of piss will vaporise instantly.


image by Grok


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After the 'overwhelming success of our 48 team World Cup', FIFA have announced that future tournaments will consist of 256 teams.


FIFA Head, Geniuso Infinitissimo, stated he was aware that there were fewer than 256 associations within FIFA but that a bigger tournament would surely 'stimulate more members, even beyond the FIFA boardroom'.


'It would be a huge boon to areas where football is hardly played like Antarctica and Sealand. Wouldn't it be brilliant for all the football players in those territories to play on proper pitches in half-full stadiums? Who wouldn't want to see a Vatican City team, or even the Isle of Wight?


In our discussions over reintroducing Russia to future tournaments, other suggestions such as South Ossetia, Transnistria and Donbas have been put forward and Mr Trump has also said Greenland could have their own team in the tournament if certain conditions are met. So we are confident that the 256 team target will be easily met and FIFA can help football become an even greater force for world peace'.


A FIFA spokesman also 'vehemently denied' that the proposal was being heavily pushed by Italy as a way of ensuring that they would qualify for the next Finals.


Meanwhile in Pyongyang, North Korea are celebrating tonight after an amazing win in the FIFA World Cup Final. Pyongyang's Rungrado 1st of May Stadium was packed out as the hosts beat an Argentina side, consisting of some very dark Eastern-Asian-looking players, in a 15 goal thriller.


The 15 - 0 score just shows how amazing the North Korean team has become since winning the last one, and their top scorer, Kim Jong Un, came down from the Royal Box to score 9 goals in the last three minutes.


Accepting the trophy from himself, Kim, told the captive spectators that this was a sure sign that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea was the greatest country in the world. The crowd celebrated long into the night before they were released to go back to their homes to prepare for an early start.


H/T: dominicmcg

Image: WixAI



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.



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