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Jay Blades: Our guest today has an ancient an much loved heirloom. Charles, do tell us about it.
HRH Chuck Three: Well, Jay, it is the British Monarchy. It has been with our family since 1917.
JB: You are talking about the Windsor marque?
HRH: Indeed. It has actually been with the family a lot longer than that, but we rebranded it at that time.
JB: I see. So, why have you brought it in today?
HRH: Well, it's just not running that well. It doesn't keep up with the times and it can make a lot of disturbing noises at the most inappropriate times. We had a new cog fitted in the 80s. The Diana. And that seemed to keep it running well for a while, but then it was damaged and had to be removed. That has had a knock-on effect on some of the smaller parts of the mechanism.
JB: OK, let's have a look. German engineering... aha! I see you have had a Meghan fitted.
HRH: Yes. we thought that it would support the Harry, but it seems to have taken on the driving role for that part of the mechanism.
JB: There's yer problem. It is an an American part. They run OK for a while but then undermine the performance of the whole structure.
HRH: What would you suggest?
JB: I would leave it in for now. Trying to remove it would do more harm than good. It may come away of its own accord given time.
HRH: What about the Andrew?
JB: I think we both know, that has to go. Is there anything else we can help you with?
HRH: Well, we do have have a poorly performing PM. Wherever we put it, it causes turmoil.
JB: Get out!
Only a few weeks into his reign, comes sensational news King Charles III intends to sell off the crown jewels in an effort to make good a debt incurred when Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, defaulted on a payday loan.
His Majesty will drop the bombshell in an upcoming documentary to be screened this week, in which he tells his longtime friend, smugly irritating wazzock Alan Titchmarsh, the whole sad story.
'The truth is I’m skint, Alan,” says a clearly rattled Charles. 'Every penny I have is needed to pay back the interest on a loan where I went guarantor for Harry. It was only for five thousand pounds to help him and Meghan with flights to come to Britain for my dear Mama's funeral. Harry swore he was good for it; apparently he had some funds coming in from a book royalty, and like a gullible fool I believed him.
'But things have since spiraled out of control after silly boy got cold feet on his publication date and missed the first loan repayment instalment. Seems I'm now liable. They say I owe £7.4 billion pounds, which strikes me as odd as it's only a week overdue.
'Nevertheless, it looks like I'm going to have to sell the purple felt hat with all the diamonds, that snazzy jewel-encrusted gold stick and the ball thing too. The loan company's representative, Big Clive, was most emphatic. "It's eevur thet, yer Majesty, or the Dook gets what's coming to him, the little toerag". I just hope to god the sale raises enough.'
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