Rees-Mogg 'embarrassed' to receive Knighthood

Victorian orphanage tyrant and House of Commons snoozer Jacob Rees-Mogg has briefly paused sneering at the poor to be made a Knight of the Realm, courtesy of Bacchanalian Boris. Rees-Mogg is, however, rumoured to be embarrassed by the ennoblement because it draws attention to the fact that despite his unctuous unpleasantness, he did not have a knighthood already and was thus a commoner.

Tory Central Office laughed off any suggestion that Rees-Mogg had developed either a conscience or any sense of self-awareness or basic human decency.

A Tory Sir Spokesman said, 'He made Priti Patel a Dame - just like Judi Dench. Patel and Dench are both equally loved. Boris fell on his pork sword before he was forced on to it, going full Oprah on his way out. You get a knighthood. And you get a knighthood. Not you, Nadine.

'Being made a Knight is a mixed blessing though - two steps forward and one step sideways.'

Wearing a ceremonial T-shirt reading "I went to Boris-land and all I got was this knighthood", the Sir Spokesman continued braying, 'Boris is the best and the bravest and anyone who says he isn't should be locked up in one of the 40 hospitals we haven't built.'

King Knights Queen at Palace

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Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy

Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.

Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'

Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.

Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.