Russian advance hindered by faulty Sat Nav

Kremlin officials today have outlined that the Special Operations mission in Ukraine has been beleaguered by an over reliance on faulty Sat Nav technology.

Since February 2022 the advance on strategic targets in Ukraine has been halted by fierce Ukrainian opposition and the unnamed Russian Sat Nav of choice taking their troops down several cul de sacs and leaving their forces stranded from essential supply lines and fully disconnected from the rest of the invading forces.

One unnamed Russian soldier said “its really frustrating trying to invade, when the voice of Nigel Havers is trying to give you directions to Sebastopol in South Wales”, he went on and claimed that they have been directed to Severrnside Industrial estate outside Bristol instead of Sieverodonetsk, Dundee instead of the Donbas region and Keighley instead of Kyiv.

Drive Directions Gps - Free photo on Pixabay

Russia sanctions to include the silent treatment and fat shaming

In the weepy small hours of the weekend, the peoples of the Russian Federation jammed bullying help lines with complaints of harassment by members of NATO. Moscow officials claimed that other nations had blanked them in class. blocked them on Facebook and called them spotty.

The Kremlin complained: ‘Someone had written on our pencil case that Putin smelt of BO and had not started his period yet. We’ve been accused of war crimes, but realty hurts, is being called a dork’. A spokesman for the National Bullying Helpline replied: ‘Yeah, but you were asking for it'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/vladvictoria-9785604/

Russia wants its money back from British embassy traitor

Following the arrest of an employee in Britain's Berlin embassy who was allegedly passing intelligence to Russia, the Kremlin has asked for a full refund.

"We paid David S a fortune to feed us high-level intelligence from the British government," said a Russian government spokesman. "However, he gave us nothing that you could possibly call intelligence."

"All we got from his bug inside Downing Street was a constant stream of plummy-voiced burbling, which our agents can make no sense of whatsoever, and night-time quarrels – apparently over the new wallpaper and a badly-behaved mongrel called Dylan."

"That's how the Russians got stung," said a senior MI6 officer. "There's no point trying to spy out British state intelligence. There isn't any left."