Liz Truss to repay 22 billion blackhole by becoming Deliveroo driver

Sources close to Liz Truss have said the former Prime Minster is preparing to be of service to her country once more in its time of need. The former Prime Minister has a plan to repay the 22 billion pound blackhole in the current public finances by taking a job as a Deliveroo driver in Norfolk.

The Former Prime Minster, who appears to have lost none of her keen grasp of economics, has told colleagues she is a great believer in the gig economy, people should be able to pick-up short-term work whenever they need it like being a Uber or Deliveroo Driver or Prime Minister of a G7 Country.

Despite being blamed for one of the most calamitous financial episodes in recent British history, when her mini budget involving massive unfunded tax cuts nearly turned the country into a live re-enactment of the Hunger Games, Truss remains unrepentant.

She believes her robust response to help restore government finances will set an example to the people of Britain who she believes have become a nation of idlers. And by calculating that it will take her a mere 1.2 million years to repay the current debt, she will overturn people’s views about her economics although not about her sanity.

Photo by Carl Campbell on Unsplash

Bankers Bonus Cap now top selling Halloween Costume

Remember that time in 2022, when Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng decided to let market forces run wild, only to be immediately removed from office by those self-same forces? Some Trussonomics that Rishi Sunak does fully endorse is limitless pay rises for bankers, which kicks in this Halloween. To be fair to Sunak, it is spookily difficult to work out how to pay for more than a million children to experience not just poverty, but destitution.

A Bankers Bonus Cap could even top off your Halloween outfit.

Shelley Stevenson said 'I tried to wear a Banker’s Bonus Cap as part of a "sexy Liz Truss" outfit, but unfortunately my head immediately span round 720 degrees, I began chanting in ancient Aramaic and projectile vomiting. Evil spirits began circling the pentagram I drew in my own blood. It definitely changes the vibe of a party.'

Photo by Szabó János on Unsplash

Liz Truss writes surprise musical tribute to Sinead O'Connor

Liz Truss has emerged as the unlikely source of a musical tribute to the late Sinead O'Connor. The former PM has penned a version of the Irish singer's classic hit Nothing Compares 2 U - with a few amendments of her own.

A spokes-lettuce said 'As soon as Liz heard that Sinead O'Connor had died, she got straight to work on a cover of the song. People might say her version is a bit egotistical, but that is a disgrace.'

NewsBiscuit was given exclusive access to Truss's rendition of the song after bribing the former premier with pork and cheese imports.

'It’s been seven hours and 308 days,

Since I trashed the economy,

I caused market jitters and a run on the pound,

Not to mention a £30billion spree.

Since I’ve been gone, I can do whatever I want,

I can fleece whoever I name,

I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant,

But nothing, I said nothing, will ever make me feel shame.

Cause nothing compares. Nothing compares. To me.

I’ve been so lonely being out of the limelight,

Like a bird without a song,

But there are no lonely tears falling,

Tell me, why do people still think I went wrong?

I went to Kwasi Kwarteng, and guess what he told me, guess what he told me?

He said "Girl, you better try to make funds outta nothing, it grows on trees!"

Now he's history...

Cause nothing compares. Nothing compares. To me.'