Truss aims to become Premier League boss

Liz Truss has announced her intention to become a Premier League manager.

Following her controversial attempt to sue Sir Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy, the former Prime Minister, has decided to move from politics to the world of football.

Truss is said to be targeting the vacant job at Everton, following the sacking of manager Sean Dyche.

But wherever she ends up, her main aim is to increase the number of home-grown players.

“We import two-thirds of our footballers. That is a disgrace,” said Truss, speaking at the launch of her campaign.

Typically confusingly, she added: “This month I’ll be in Beijing, opening up new striker markets.”

And hinting at where she’d like to eventually end up, she added: “We’ve got 10 years to save the West Ham.”

Truss, whose 49 days in power marked a new low for a British prime minister, is expected to announce Kwasi Kwarteng as director of football and a lettuce as kit manager.

image from pixabay

Liz Truss to repay 22 billion blackhole by becoming Deliveroo driver

Sources close to Liz Truss have said the former Prime Minster is preparing to be of service to her country once more in its time of need. The former Prime Minister has a plan to repay the 22 billion pound blackhole in the current public finances by taking a job as a Deliveroo driver in Norfolk.

The Former Prime Minster, who appears to have lost none of her keen grasp of economics, has told colleagues she is a great believer in the gig economy, people should be able to pick-up short-term work whenever they need it like being a Uber or Deliveroo Driver or Prime Minister of a G7 Country.

Despite being blamed for one of the most calamitous financial episodes in recent British history, when her mini budget involving massive unfunded tax cuts nearly turned the country into a live re-enactment of the Hunger Games, Truss remains unrepentant.

She believes her robust response to help restore government finances will set an example to the people of Britain who she believes have become a nation of idlers. And by calculating that it will take her a mere 1.2 million years to repay the current debt, she will overturn people’s views about her economics although not about her sanity.

Photo by Carl Campbell on Unsplash

Bankers Bonus Cap now top selling Halloween Costume

Remember that time in 2022, when Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng decided to let market forces run wild, only to be immediately removed from office by those self-same forces? Some Trussonomics that Rishi Sunak does fully endorse is limitless pay rises for bankers, which kicks in this Halloween. To be fair to Sunak, it is spookily difficult to work out how to pay for more than a million children to experience not just poverty, but destitution.

A Bankers Bonus Cap could even top off your Halloween outfit.

Shelley Stevenson said 'I tried to wear a Banker’s Bonus Cap as part of a "sexy Liz Truss" outfit, but unfortunately my head immediately span round 720 degrees, I began chanting in ancient Aramaic and projectile vomiting. Evil spirits began circling the pentagram I drew in my own blood. It definitely changes the vibe of a party.'

Photo by Szabó János on Unsplash