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Britain needs more Keir Starmer, not less

Writer: Wrenfoe
Wrenfoe
May 11

Addressing the nation the beleaguered PM insisted that he was popular, we just haven't got to know him yet. His failures help to challenge us in a healthy and necessary way. Friendship, after all, cannot flourish unless one party bravely endures the other without encouragement. One day we will thank him for staying.


The seismic collapse of the Labour vote is proof positive that his vision is working. His spokeswoman explained, 'Voters have a wonderfully strong reaction to Sir Keir, we just need to make it a positive one.' There are signs that he is winning people over…certainly their tight smiles and evasive body language show they have learnt a great deal—probably about resilience.


'If you think you hate him now, wait until you get to know him.'



Image credit: NB archive

Labour plan to use King's ransom to fund vital infrastructure improvements

Writer: ModelMaker
ModelMaker
May 2


For centuries, kings have been subject to being captured in war, or kidnapped by ne'er do wells and held until a ransom is paid for their release. It remains a little discussed fact, that states are obligated to set aside an appriate amount of taxpayers' money for the event that a ransom needs to be paid.


Newsbiscuit has heard rumours that Labour intends to use the ransom fund to restore the NHS back to its former glory, along with restoring everything else the Tory party trashed.


A FOI request made to the treasury by the Labour party about the size of the ransom fund before the late Queen died was declined, but an assurance that it would be adequate was given. With the popularity of the monarchy having declined since the Queen's death, Labour are confident that a manifesto promise to use the ransom fund to return Britain to the 21st century and beyond, would be welcomed by the King's subjects.


"I know that Julius Caesar was captured by pirates when he was 25 and the pirates got got 50 talents of gold to let him go, but Julius went back after his release and slaughtered the pirates" said a Labour economist, "but these days they'd want bitcoins, so there ain't a lot of point in keeping a stash of gold, unless it was used for NHS dentistry. Bitcoins are just fictional Mickey Mouse money anyway, so the government could write a bitcoin cheque in full knowledge that if it bounced, there's sod all the kidnappers could do about it."





First published 2 May 2023


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