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Walking dead old grey matter gnawers have insisted that there will be implications for anyone who does not have a negative lateral flow test certificate.


'Ideally, victims should be in possession of official documentation clearly stating that they have had a negative PCR test within the last 48 hours,' wailed Terry, a senior member of the mind muncher community. 'But times have been tough for everyone, and most zombies I've moaned at have suggested that they would be willing to accept lateral flow test results up to 72 hours prior to the time of attack.'


'Look, we're all a bit twitchy about this new variant, and until we know more, we're not taking any chances. A mate of mine in the vampire community has said that they will not bite the necks of anyone who isn't wearing an FP2 approved face covering. If you ask me, that's going too far, but at least it shows a bit of consideration. Better than those sodding werewolves, anyway. They'll rip anyone to pieces without a second thought. But, then again, they lick their own genitals, so what do you expect?'








As the requirements for covid tests are reduced to permit British holidaymakers to return fuss-free from some of the World's hottest covid spots to THE hottest covid spot in the galaxy without the need for isolation, social distancing or avoiding swapping spit with random strangers, the government has admitted that the use of a lateral flow test that has no independent check on the result or, in fact that the test has been carried out, they have decided that a slightly less stringent test is in order.


'It's called "check-a-mate" testing,' said a government spokesman today. 'Essentially if you look at your mate and he or she look alright then you can certify him or her as covid free. Obviously they can certify you too so you don't have to go around scrabbling to find a hardly used lateral flow test. That way we can save the country from losing essential workers on return from holidays and don't have to worry that said holidaymakers might avoid paying £3 for a lateral flow test they can get for free from a government or local authority source anyway.'


Not everyone is happy with the arrangement. Barry Dickinson was awarded a lucrative holiday lateral flow test contract, to essentially hand out government bought kits for £3 a pop after a conversation with a Cabinet Minister in a pub last week. 'Country's gone to the dogs since they changed the people at the top. W@nker didn't even wear a mask, either,' grumbled Barry.






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