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Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds


The Daily Mail has now published no fewer than seven articles decrying the inhuman assault on British drivers of a certain age.


'You will be forced to retake your driving test every three years and, due to the shortage of examiners, you will be advised to provisionally book each test at least four years ahead,' ran one social media explanation of the Daily Mail's articles.


'You will need to pass a medical previously limited to active HGV drivers, be able to demonstrate an ability to reverse an articulated trailer around a corner and know how to shout obscenities in French,' said another post, which was considered to be slightly incorrect.  'French or German, surely?' asked one knowledgeable reply.


'If you fail more than once in a two month period your vehicle will be impounded and handed over to an immigrant, who doesn't need a licence, insurance or a flat cap to drive on British roads,' argued another.  The flat cap rule has been doubted online by people under thirty.


A study looking into the actual articles identified that all of the above claims were reasonable extrapolations of the headlines and first two sentences of the articles, but confirmed that the actual change required when applying to renew the driving licence at age seventy and every three after is evidence that the driver has had an optician evaluate their corrected eyesight.


'How are pensioners expected to pay for the free eyesight tests?' screamed a Daily Mail article.  'And how can they pass the test when they clearly can't read past the first paragraph?  We demand a General Election now!' it said - in paragraph three, so unseen by by most readers.





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Stevie Wonder’s part-time lover wins equal rights




A part-time lover of Stevie Wonder was celebrating today after a court ruled she was entitled to equal treatment with the singer’s first wife.



Mandy Myers, a regular lover of Wonder during the height of his fame in the 1980s, argued that she had been denied a range of benefits enjoyed by his wife, including a shared house and basic levels of interaction and respect.



‘The facts of this case are well-known, through the surprisingly open statement made by Wonder about his extra-marital arrangements on his groundbreaking Square Circle album in 1985,’ noted the judge in the case.



‘Miss Myers always had to play second fiddle. After a seemingly pleasant evening of lovemaking, Wonder would regularly sit bolt upright and screech at her to leave his house, saying only, ‘Call up, ring once, and hang up the phone, to let me know you made it home,’ noted the judge. ‘Amazing vocal range, but he needs to work on his bedside manner.’



In court, the jury heard 10 instances of the singer referring to Miss Myers as his ‘part-time lover’ as the 7 inch version of the song was played to the court, but they were mercifully spared the 36 mentions on the extended 12-inch version.


Under the terms of the settlement, Wonder will be obliged to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ each year to Myers. He must also tell her regularly that She is The Sunshine of His Life, and will be required to call her up spontaneously, To Say That He Loves Her, and that he Means it From the Bottom of his Heart.



‘I’m delighted to be able to bring justice here,’ reported the Judge to assembled media. ‘All that remains is for me to add my name to the verdict, put it in an envelope, take it across to the courthouse office, and make myself available for any other similar cases. Signed, Sealed, Delivered. I’m Yours.’



First published 16 Feb 2023



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