Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project of uncovering the truth behind claims that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is 'rude, arrogant and entitled.'

Professor Ron Jenkins of the University of Clacton explained the problem. 'It's such a difficult thing to clarify assuming, of course, that you ignore everyone who's met him and everything he does. But, with a few years' work, and appropriate funding, I think we'll get there. Then we can finally find out who's been putting all that bear shit in the woods and if the Pope only celebrates Easter because of the chocolate eggs.'

'Did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?'

Professor Ron Jenkins was recently found dead in circumstances which are definitely not suspicious.

Go about your business.

Image: WixAI

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk,' whined Mandelson's legal team from Sue, Grabbit and Scarper in a statement, 'and it wasn't at all to do with the copious evidence that he had committed misconduct in public office.

'When detectives saw Lord Peter in his local library looking at a list of countries without extradition treaties with the UK, they should have known he was only planning to take off for a winter break with all his money.

'Lord Peter says that this means it's the police who are in the wrong, and not him.

'Peter is a thoroughly innocent and misunderstood spin doctor who has managed to twist a story to his own advantage - yet again - and he now wants to fly down to the British Virgin Islands to forget all about this regrettable affair, taking a pile of incriminating evidence with him.'

At press time, Mandelson's lawyers were demanding a hand written note of apology from the Metropolitan Police commissioner for wrongful arrest and £100,000 compensation for hurt feelings.

'We'll do the note but we won't give him the money,' said a Met Police spokes-swine off the record.

'That's because Mandelson doesn't actually have any human feelings. He was born in a test tube at Porton Down.'

Image: WixAI

Trump imposes tariffs on himself

Donald Trump has decided to impose a $1bn tariff on himself.

In a move showing the ultimate patriotism, the US president says he personally must pay the sum each time he travels abroad.

“It’s a big, beautiful piece of legislation,” Trump told a Republican rally.

“When this guy Trump, who’s actually nasty, visits another country, he’s gonna have to pay this beautiful fee.

“We’ve relied for too long on presidents whose mothers were born abroad. Now we’re fighting back.”

The shock moves comes in the midst of a legal battle of Trump’s plan to impose tariffs on countries such as China.

Leaked reports suggest one idea was to build a wall around the White House. However, it was deemed “too light and fluffy” by Pentagon officials.

Crowds at the rally reacted positively to the tariff plan, with one section chanting: “Lock him up! Lock him up!”

image from pixabay

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