For several years now, Norway has mocked the UK by gifting it the worst, most pathetic excuse for a Christmas tree it can possibly produce. This year was only half a tree, which is actually an improvement on last year’s bag of cats with a star drawn on. But things are now turning hostile as it has been leaked that the UK government is preparing to say ‘Thanks but no thanks’ to all future Norwegian Christmas trees, following secret talks with Denmark. Specifically, the Lego factory.
‘It’s a very exciting time’ explained Minister of Festive Affairs, Pamela Frost, ‘If our deal goes ahead, we’ll get a new Lego Christmas tree each year, and once Christmas is over, instead of having it chopped up and things, we’ll simply dismantle it and turn it into something lovely like a windmill or a farmhouse – or perhaps the Death Star. The possibilities are limited only by our imaginations. And how many blocks we have’.
When the Norwegian government was invited to comment, NewsBiscuit received the following statement from BjØrd StØrd, minister of international relations:
‘It is the shame that our friends in the United Kingdom feel the need to throw back our generosity into our faces. I do not know who we will laugh in the face of now. However we will not lie back and take this. The Christmas tree is also a symbol of Norway and if the people of the Lego decide to create the Lego Christmas tree, we will sue them in the European courts for copyright infringement.’
A spokesman for Lego claims they can get around the copyright infringement by making its model trees a lurid neon pink. They’ve decided not to tell the UK government.
‘It will be the surprise.’
Image: Chandlervid85 | Freepik
In the last 48 hours Elon Musk has made an audacious bid to buy the toy company Lego. After his recent purchase of social media giant Twitter/X, Musk has set his sights on another cultural touchstone, this time in the shape of the Danish toy manufacturers.
Insiders claim that an initial bid of twenty million dollars was ‘just an opening gambit’, and Musk subsequently made a second bid of three hundred trillion dollars, more than the total financial output of every country on earth. Pressed by a Washington Post reporter on how he would afford to structure such a purchase Musk allegedly called the journalist a ‘pedo’ and posted a gif of himself dancing to ‘Gangnam Style’.
Musk’s long-term intentions should the purchase go through have long been known: he has a history of talking about how ‘inefficiently run’ the Lego toy company is and in a 2019 interview with the Wall Street Journal he is quoted as saying ‘I think people are tired of the status quo with Lego, they want something more, but Lego are too big and clumsy to react to the new paradigm shift. They stick to the whole ‘toy building blocks’ thing, and they aren’t adapting to the rapid changes occurring in areas like military drone technology and nuclear power. I want to drag them into the present.’
Insiders claim his first move will be to change the company name to ‘HawkingRadiation-J9788’, and to start selling the Lego instruction manuals separately. He has already drawn up plans to fire 99.999999% of staff at the company - a move which has been criticised as ‘mathematically impossible’ - and has vowed to install himself as King of Lego Land, a title which does not exist at the company and never has.
Insiders say that the King of Lego Land title is the ‘only deal breaker’ for Musk.
Other plans rumoured to have been floated by Musk include making the Lego bricks themselves less ‘confusing’ by making all bricks monochromatic and identical in shape, and gluing the bricks together so that people ‘can concentrate on appreciating the aesthetic purity’ of the playsets. When asked by a reporter whether children will enjoy playing with such Lego sets Elon Musk shook his head and furrowed his brow, as though the question itself made no sense.
image from pixabay