Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity

In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission.

Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.'

It's understood the scientists were ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson's glass of warm milk, and have seventy-two hours to complete their mission in the high-tech craft.

Professor Schmidt gave this update on progress: 'Unsurprisingly, we have drawn a complete blank thus far. What's more the mission is fraught with danger. Last night things nearly came to a sticky and premature end on no less than twenty occasions.

'The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied and sustained bout of masturbation whilst reading about Winston Churchill. Mercifully, he fell asleep before the team was ejaculated, enabling them to navigate to a safer and considerably less active zone - his conscience.

'Our greatest fear however is if they should mistakenly end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson's cavernous arsehole. Although, in such circumstances each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/qimono-1962238/

The Peacock of Poppycock duplicates his duplicity

Boris Johnson was recently embarrassed by repeating the same lie in Parliament when he could have been telling a new lie.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Lies are to Boris like Princess Diana is to the Daily Express. The PM was annoyed by the duplicated duplicity as he usually considers himself an innovator of untruths, the Michelangelo of mendacity, the doyenne of deceit and dissembling.'

'We've just run short of things to lie about. Everything he says, even personal stuff - how many kids he has, how many wives receiving chemotherapy he's cheated on, even his first name is a lie. To cheer him up, we reminded him he's a one man Fibbing, Fabrications & Falsehood Factory, the Prince of Porky Pies, the Peacock of Poppycock. He suggested a massive party to commiserate or celebrate as long as we kept it on the D/L, so don't say anything.'

Johnson will give an identical answer to every question he's asked going forward

In a move to rebuild Boris Johnson's reputation from being a barefaced liar into a loveable rogue, his team has said it is implementing Operation Smirk.

An aide explained the thinking behind the plan: 'The PM has had a long history of making himself look like an absolute lying bastard to further his selfish agenda. Right from Partygate, Brexit Bus and countless other stuff, like his claims that energy bills will reduce once we leave the EU.

'This is messing up our attempts to cast him in the role of latter-day Churchillian statesman. Therefore and henceforth, he will answer every question he's asked by the media with the same response, irrespective of the issue.

'So, for example, Laura Kuenssberg might say, "PM, you said that you weren't at any work parties during lockdown, but there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. What have you got to say?"

'Mr Johnson will give the new standard reply in much the same way he does for every first PMQs question: 'Look, Laura, (or insert name), there's no evidence of that, I wasn't there, and anyway, I'm not Boris Johnson, and this is not America. I'm not in love, so don't forget it.'

'He will then do that irritating half-smile half-smirk, you know that caught out naughty schoolboy one he does, yes, that's the one where you'd like to smack him in the mouth with a house brick.

'We've thoroughly focus-grouped it, and results show this strategy will see him a shoo-in for a second term by a landslide.'