Johnson will give an identical answer to every question he's asked going forward
In a move to rebuild Boris Johnson's reputation from being a barefaced liar into a loveable rogue, his team has said it is implementing Operation Smirk.
An aide explained the thinking behind the plan: 'The PM has had a long history of making himself look like an absolute lying bastard to further his selfish agenda. Right from Partygate, Brexit Bus and countless other stuff, like his claims that energy bills will reduce once we leave the EU.
'This is messing up our attempts to cast him in the role of latter-day Churchillian statesman. Therefore and henceforth, he will answer every question he's asked by the media with the same response, irrespective of the issue.
'So, for example, Laura Kuenssberg might say, "PM, you said that you weren't at any work parties during lockdown, but there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. What have you got to say?"
'Mr Johnson will give the new standard reply in much the same way he does for every first PMQs question: 'Look, Laura, (or insert name), there's no evidence of that, I wasn't there, and anyway, I'm not Boris Johnson, and this is not America. I'm not in love, so don't forget it.'
'He will then do that irritating half-smile half-smirk, you know that caught out naughty schoolboy one he does, yes, that's the one where you'd like to smack him in the mouth with a house brick.
'We've thoroughly focus-grouped it, and results show this strategy will see him a shoo-in for a second term by a landslide.'