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UK Government finds huge amount of coins down the back of a massive sofa



The government has discovered a record amount of currency down the back of a massive sofa kept in an underground warehouse near Downing Street.


'This is a windfall for our national balance of payments' said one minister. 'We were really beginning to worry about how to pay off our debts this year, but luckily, after a good rummage, we found loads of spare coins.'


Much of the money is in ten and fifty pence coins with a few notes. Some is stuffed in brown envelopes. There is also a collection of old buttons and a key that no one knows anything about and doesn't appear to unlock anything.


'The fluff alone could pay for the BBC well into 2023' the minister added.


No one is sure about the origins of the sofa. Some believe it was brought in by Churchill who liked to use it for sprawling on and eating cheese sandwiches. During lockdown, ministers used it for jumping up and down on while quaffing champagne and laughing at proles.


'We believe this is how some of the coins ended up there', the minister continued. 'We do have a lot of angry pensioners saying the money belongs to them but that always happens when you find some spare cash doesn't it?'



First published 22 Jan 2022



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Johnson will give an identical answer to every question he's asked going forward



In a move to rebuild Boris Johnson's reputation from being a barefaced liar into a loveable rogue, his team has said it is implementing Operation Smirk.

An aide explained the thinking behind the plan: 'The PM has had a long history of making himself look like an absolute lying bastard to further his selfish agenda. Right from Partygate, Brexit Bus and countless other stuff, like his claims that energy bills will reduce once we leave the EU.

'This is messing up our attempts to cast him in the role of latter-day Churchillian statesman. Therefore and henceforth, he will answer every question he's asked by the media with the same response, irrespective of the issue.

'So, for example, Laura Kuenssberg might say, "PM, you said that you weren't at any work parties during lockdown, but there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. What have you got to say?"

'Mr Johnson will give the new standard reply in much the same way he does for every first PMQs question: 'Look, Laura, (or insert name), there's no evidence of that, I wasn't there, and anyway, I'm not Boris Johnson, and this is not America. I'm not in love, so don't forget it.'

'He will then do that irritating half-smile half-smirk, you know that caught out naughty schoolboy one he does, yes, that's the one where you'd like to smack him in the mouth with a house brick.

'We've thoroughly focus-grouped it, and results show this strategy will see him a shoo-in for a second term by a landslide.'


Appeal launched to save Boris' skin for a grateful nation



English Heritage and the National Trust have announced a joint appeal to save the prime minister's skin and prevent it from being sold abroad.


A spokesperson said: 'It's vital that Boris's skin, which has an area of some 523 square feet, stays in Britain. It would be an absolute tragedy if it were taken out of the country and displayed in somewhere like Paris, or, God forbid, run up a flag pole in Brussels. Admittedly it is exceptionally thin and badly bruised in places, mainly due to the fallout from an excess of champagne cork popping. As a result, the skin has been designated as an Area of Outstanding Bullshit.'


Culture secretary and part-time sanitary pad Nadine Dorries said the PM's skin is iconic. 'It's as important to the nation's history as one of Churchill's Boer war condoms. I'm doing everything in my power to save it, including giving it a quick iron, destroying the BBC and taking a Masters in sycophantic grovelling.'



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