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General Election 2024: Party Anthems



Conservative - 'Easy Come, Easy Go' by Elvis Presley



Labour - 'I Heard It On The Grapevine' by Marvin Gaye



Lib Dems - 'Don't You Forget About Me' by Simple Minds



Green - 'Imagine' by John Lennon



SNP - 'My Perfect Cousin' by The Undertones



Reform - 'We're Only Making Plans for Nigel' by XTC



Plaid Cymru - 'My Little Empire' by the Manic Street Preachers



Count Binface - 'All I Ask Of Myself Is That I Hold It Together' by Ned's Atomic Dustbin



DUP - 'I'm Going Slightly Mad' by Queen



Sinn Fein - 'Brothers in Arms' by Dire Straits



Britain First - 'Run Like Hell' by Pink Floyd




Lib Dem conference 'now needs a second trestle table'



At their party conference, Liberal Democrats have been working out the implications of a post-Tory electoral landscape - including electoral relevance.


Lib Dem volunteer Amy Armstrong said, 'As Keir Starmer is basically a compassionate Conservative these days, the Liberal Democrats are the furthest left of all mainstream parties. We've got a £5bn-a-year care free social plan, making Ed Davey a whimsical Che Guevara.'


'What if we actually get lots of MPs? It means we might need to pay the restaurant a deposit for our Christmas meal. If we organise a nice day out sailing, we're gonna need a bigger boat.'


'If we go mainstream, will our hardcore fans prefer our early stuff? So much admin. I almost preferred it when we were shit. Hopefully we don't Nick Clegg it up again.'

Lib Dems spotted shaking soil from their trousers



Conservative MPs have made an observation that the Lib Dems have installed a vaulting horse in the House of Commons and have been seen walking around Westminster Palace shaking what looks like soil from their trousers. Meanwhile, it is noted that Sir Ed Davey was observed being summoned to the House of Commons library a few months ago regarding the long overdue return of several books related to the Trojan war, and the only remaining Betamax copy of The Great Escape in existence. The Lib Dem election committee is understood to be fixated on three potential candidates: Tom, Dick and Harry.


'Liz Truss was a Lib Dem, wasn't she?' asked one Conservative MP, realisation dawning on his face.


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