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Ed Davey has announced a 100-night residency at the London Palladium to showcase his comedy talents, it has been announced.


The news comes on the back of Davey's barnstorming PMQ's performance this week, where he delivered a zinger of a gag about how in an era of cuts in defence spending, Tony Blair's long form essay criticising the Labour Party was an example of 'drone warfare''.


'It was like listening to Dudley Moore or Bill Hicks in their prime', said one MP. 'Once the laughter and tears subsided, it was no surprise to see Ed's agent from Avalon come into the chamber with a deal for Ed.'


Davey's show 'Ed's you win, Tales you lose', is being billed as a mix between old school variety stand up, Jimmy Carr-style confrontational cultural commentary, and Stewart Lee-esque deconstruction.


'I'm not saying my mother in law is fat', quipped Davey. 'She's really not but her ongoing use of Ozempic does raise important questions about the long-term funding of weight-loss drugs on the NHS'.


'There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman' continued Davey. 'Under a devolved government structure, it is vital that our honourable Welsh friends, as well as Metropolitan mayors are represented in all formal consultative machinery of the state'.


'This is the natural next step for us as a party' said a Lib Dem spokesperson. 'After all, our 'Liberal Democrats Winning Here' placards and signs at local elections have been causing hilarity for months'.




Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst has been incredibly busy, collating the list of illegal things Boris Johnson has done, so that they can all be legalised.


'It's been hard work, but nowhere near as Torylicious as discussing with the PM the crimes he will commit in the future so we can legalise them ahead of time. It's like a reverse "Minority Report". Let me tell you, he has some wide ranging criminal appetites, some of them eye-wateringly sexual. I had to Google some of it, so I’m probably on a register now. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and occasionally vomiting on the walls, but not because of the booze this time.'


It is now illegal to be Keir Starmer whilst the only form of photo ID now acceptable for voting is a Conservative Party membership card. Burglary is legal if your MP is Labour whilst in Tory constituencies you can get various household items absolutely free, albeit second hand and with no receipts. Liberal Democrats can now be hunted with hounds, whilst an invasion of Scotland gets the green light, though to save money this will consist of seizing the - already English - town of Berwick-upon-Tweed and declaring total victory.


BoJo meanwhile has been preparing for the next Downing Street karaoke bash, busting out some Rasta sounds to perform a raunchy version of Shaggy's 'It wasn't me'. Hootington-Hurst noted 'His Jamaican lilt is, if anything, more racist than you imagine.'



First published 1 June 2022



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