Labour to become a limited company

Following the success of Reform Limited in fielding a defective, sorry defecting, sorry - correct on both counts - MP, two councillors and a single London Assembly member the Labour Party has panicked and has decided to follow the trend to create a limited company. 

Labour Party members will be offered the opportunity to buy shares, vote at AGMs which the directors will ignore as in all well-run limited companies (and coincidentally in the current Labour Party), and instead of a shadow cabinet the organisation will have directors with Keir Starmer as Chairman, Rachel Reeves as Company Secretary and Wes Streeting the director responsible for taking the blame when HMRC come knocking.

The new organisation will be listed on the Bonn Exchange and insiders say the new name, Labour Very Limited, is a good description of what it will be able to do once it inherits the mess the Tories are leaving.

Sadiq Khan to introduce “Audi or above” lanes on London’s roads

Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that, if re-elected, he intends to introduce “Audi or above” lanes on London’s roads.

”It’s an idea we’ve been toying with for a while,” he told journalists today. “The ULEZ charge, which penalises people with older cars who can least afford to pay it, was a step in this direction. But I think it’s time we came out and made our intentions plain.

“A lot of people think it’s inevitable central London will become an exclusive playground for the rich, with the working classes only going there to provide some kind of service for them and then going home, but I don’t agree. I think we have to actively work to bring that about. And having lanes just for expensive cars will help.”

Asked exactly which cars would qualify, Khan stressed that “Audi or above” was only a nickname, and in fact some of the smaller Audis are “frankly a bit chavvy” and would probably be excluded.

“Likewise the smaller BMWs. And older cars of any kind. And obviously ghastly makes like Dacia and Kia, even their so-called ‘top of the range’ models.”

Cars that do qualify, on the other hand, would include “any kind of pointlessly large ‘Chelsea tractor’, especially if it’s being used to take one small child to school half a mile away. And all electric cars - they’re still pretty expensive, which ought to guarantee their owners are the right sort.”

When it was pointed out that BMW drivers are notoriously arrogant, rarely if ever using the mirrors or indicators the manufacturer saw fit to provide them, Khan replied “Well yes, but they’re rich so who cares?”

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

Lib Dems “forgot to produce manifesto for London Mayoral candidate”

There was embarrassment at Lib Dem headquarters today as it was revealed no one had bothered to write a manifesto for their candidate for London Mayor.

“Look, there’s only so many hours in the day,” said harassed party worker Jeremy Sandals. “There’s only enough money for a couple of full-time staff, the rest is done by volunteers, when they can fit it around their work for the Crafts Council and the Vegan Society.

”So naturally we tend to focus on things that seem worth doing. Council elections, for example, since we do win the occasional seat, and general elections of course.

”But London Mayor? The most we can do is split the liberal vote and let the Tories in, so we don’t really bother.

”All the same, we ought to go through the motions, so it’s a bit embarrassing we didn’t even write a manifesto this time. I’ll be looking into what went wrong, as soon as I get a spare moment.”

Pressed for more information, Sandals admitted he didn’t even know whose name they’d submitted as a candidate. “Bloody hell, it’s not me is it?”

image from pixabay