Expansion of London’s UKIP zone goes ahead

Despite fierce opposition, the controversial expansion of London’s UKIP zone took effect at midnight last night.

”There’s no point denying some people still have old-fashioned, almost obsolete mental equipment which gives off a toxic cloud of backward opinions when used,” said London Assembly transport spokesman Timothy Timeserver. “This will simply give them a place to do so without inconveniencing others.

”If they should choose to update their minds at any time in the future, then of course they’d be free to use them wherever they like without paying a penalty.”

However, some have protested that whilst the UKIP zone’s traditional boundaries of Thurrock, Basildon, Romford and Mile End were appropriate, expanding the zone westwards risked contaminating decent areas with verbal pollution.

”Just look at Bethnal Green these days,” said one protestor. “You can’t move for vegan cafes, artisanal bakeries and Pilates studios. It’s hardly the old-fashioned East End, and doesn’t deserve to be treated as such.”

A UKIP spokesman asked for a comment said that he and the rest of his party should be strung up, adding “It’s the only language we understand.”

Image:Pixabay/Ralf1403

Tax-avoiding entrepreneurs boasted that 'next year we'll be millionaires'

A south-East London family were part of a series of slick, if convoluted, plots for over 20 years to defraud the Exchequer, it has emerged. 'To the outside world, Trotters Independent Trading carefully cultivated an image of a regular working-class family', noted investigative journalist Lilian De Rennes today. 'Just trying their best to get on and combining obviously doomed money-making schemes with a strong sense of comedy and pathos.' ‘However, our pain-staking investigation, involving the viewing of over 100 hours of video footage, has revealed tax avoidance - and slapstick humour - taking place on an industrial scale, all co-ordinated from a small tower block flat in Peckham and the local Nags Head pub’, continued De Rennes. ‘Their 'no income tax, no VAT' mantra funded increasingly outlandish spending, including self-inflating blow up dolls and spontaneously exploding Albanian radios’, noted De Rennes. ‘The pair were also assisted in their escapades by two elderly brothers whose expertise in all things offshore allowed them to minimise their tax liabilities whilst also providing an impressive range of running gags about their misfortunes whilst in the Navy.’ 'The public are rightly asking how the Trotters were able to continue their deception for so long?’. Said De Rennes. ‘But I’d turn the question back on the public. At the height of their popularity – the Christmas special in 1988 – it seems that 24.2 million people appear to have been in the know about their avoidance activities,' 'The younger brother Rodney even appears to have had an alias, being called 'Dave' on hundreds of occasions, to the mirth of many.’ Investigations are now focusing on some of the bizarre techniques used by the family to reduce tax payments for themselves and others. These include an elaborate shell company specialising in destroying expensive home furnishings, such as chandeliers, and bogus personal injury claims for accidents including falling through a bar. No-one from the family was available for comment today, although a number of sightings of the couple, dressed in Batman and Robin costumes, have been reported on UK Gold.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again.

Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose.

‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our table and erects a makeshift screen around it using a few tablecloths.

‘We hear a bit of puffing and panting, then to everyone’s amazement a bleating sound. Next thing we see is the chap emerging from behind the screen carrying this beautiful fluffy lamb.’

Restaurant Proprietor, Gyles Pettigrew, told reporters. ‘It was amazing and publicity has done us no harm.'

When asked how the lamb was doing after the ordeal, Pettigrew added: 'Oh, the little fellow is just fine. He’s out the back in the freezer preparing to guest star in Wednesday's Gourmet Evening.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/elsemargriet-1614842/