Sadiq Khan to impose 20mph limit on airport runways

Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that he will impose a 20mph speed limit on runways at all London airports.

”The aviation industry is one of the biggest contributors to global warming,” said the diminutive extortionist. “It’s only right that we milk them shamelessly, and claim it’s all to help the environment, or something.”

When one of his advisors pointed out that planes literally have to go faster than 20mph or they can’t generate enough lift to take off, Khan replied “Exactly! Think how much we’ll rake in when every single plane sets off the camera!

”Or if the airlines just decide not to use London airports, then that’ll stop the exodus of rich people from London - it’s win-win.”

However, it’s been pointed out that only two of the so-called “London airports” - London City and Heathrow - are actually in London, and therefore subject to the dictator’s whims. This raises the interesting prospect that the super-rich may have to use Stansted, Luton or even Southend Airport when fleeing the country.

Socialite Iguana del Prada is said to have been “taken aback” when the check-in clerk at Southend greeted her “Awright Princess, just getcher luggage up on the scale then, luv” and frankly insulted by the suggestion she might have packed it herself.

image from pixabay

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Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home.

“50% of domestic fires start in the kitchen,” says the report. “Therefore any credible fire prevention strategy has to start by banning cooking at home.

“Moreover, most of the remaining fires are caused by faults with electrical wiring or appliances, so they’ll have to go too. And having something as flammable as gas piped into every home is clearly just asking for trouble. 

“In short, we’re looking at a future of homes without any heating or light, where you can’t cook food - no of course you can’t build a campfire in your garden, are you crazy? But in return for completely throwing out modern civilisation, we’ll all be much safer, and it will also help bring London closer to net zero.

“Some would say this is a high price to pay, but looking at the Mayor’s transport strategy, I know this plan will be in line with his thinking.”

However, Khan is said to have spluttered into his latte when he read the report, saying “For God’s sake, we’re only pretending all the 20mph limits, Low Traffic Neighbourhoods and ULEZ zones are anything to do with safety. Has this guy been living under a rock?

“At the very least, we need some kind of system for fining people if they cook dinner or heat their homes. Otherwise we might end up making them safer without making a penny out of it.”

image from pixabay

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London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an innovative plan to completely ignore a new petition supported by 100.000 people.

“We are very excited to announce that we will be ignoring the petition of 100,000 signatures. But that's not all —we’ll also be ignoring any court result, public activism, environmentalists, and, in general... everyone.”

The council reassures that a comprehensive review process has been undertaken to ensure nobody has been listened to, no opinions have been considered and no voices have been heard.

“We will keep engaging with all residents to create more dialogue opportunities where no listening will be involved” , said the lead councillor. “This has only been possible thanks to all the public feedback initiatives that have been hosted with a deep sense of indifference”

“We really need to hear what community groups and local businesses have to say so we can be more precise when it comes to completely ignore them and implement our already made decisions”

“Even if some people may want to be heard, most of the people certainly want to be ignored, we can’t please everyone, can we” , said the councillor.

The governing body has also communicated the new plans for public consultations, where all community input will be recorded on scented paper and cute stationery, then used as wallpaper in the Town Hall, to ensure everyone feels a deep sense of belonging.

image from pixabay

author: Alba Late

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