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Assisted dying to be decided by Wes Streeting coin toss



Opponents say safe guards have been watered down, but Ministers insist they have the very finest Magic Eight Ball. High Court judges will no longer determine consent, instead it will be a panel of experts, consisting of a six-sided dice, a roulette table and a pack of tarot cards.


Rather than rigorous checks, the determining factors will be are they poor, disabled and liable to leave all their money to Wes Streeting. Provided the applicant meets these strict criteria and they are sufficiently confused, then it's off to the knacker's yard.


The Bill in its current state includes provision for a large spinning 'wheel of death' to be hosted by Ant & Dec. The Minister said: 'People are upset about drawing lots, blindfolded from a bag of marbles but I say, life is random, it's a lottery. In this case, it will be a literal lottery on the BBC at 7pm. Good luck, Gran, I've got my fingers crossed!'




"I'm not bothered," says man who lost £15m within seconds



How does is feel to lose £15 million within the space of 10 seconds?

Just ask Kevin Smalls of Wolverhampton, who blew his chance to win last week's National Lottery in his local corner shop on the Wednesfield Road by tragically picking the wrong numbers.


'It's just a lottery ticket. I'm not bothered,' said Smalls yesterday, kicking a Coke can down the street as he struggled to come to terms with the enormity of his loss.


'Why are you making such a big deal of it?' Smalls continued.


'For Christ's sake, stop following me around.'


Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash

Camelot and Waitrose unveil new ‘prize partnership’




Supermarket of choice for the posh and some say privileged, Waitrose, has announced a new collaboration with The National Lottery that will soon see winning ticket holders get paid, not in cash, but instead fresh produce from the store’s shelves will be the prize.


Waitrose Director of Public Affairs, Jay Lewes, told reporters: ‘We are delighted to be involved in an exciting initiative that will see real value added to the prizes.


‘For example, currently if a player matches three numbers in a standard Lotto game they win £30. However, from May match three and they will get a Waitrose voucher for a pack of our 4 Hand-Trimmed, Responsibly Husbanded, Organic Lamb Cutlets worth an impressive £45. That’s a significant 50% uplift on the prize value.'


A spokesman for Camelot said: ‘This is very exciting and is in response to suggestions that with the cost of living squeeze, prize values have become devalued in real terms recent years. We are particularly excited about the new Jackpot guidelines.


‘If players are lucky enough to match all six balls then they will be able to take the cash prize in the normal way, but should they prefer, they can waive the money and go for a much more valuable three-minute trolley dash down the fresh meat and fish aisles, thus giving a wonderful opportunity to almost double the value of their Jackpot.’




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