En Marche, Macron? Ça va?

Everyone relieved ‘Macron’ isn’t somehow French for ‘le Sword’

Emmanuel Macron, star of such erotic films as Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle The Joys of a Woman, Goodbye Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle 4, 5, 6 and 7, has been re-elected President of France. As a re-elected President, Macron may now style himself as 'Le Grande Fromage'.

His opponent was Marine Le Pen and there was general relief among non-racists everywhere that Le Pen proved not to be mightier than anything. She did remember to hide her racist light under a racist bushel for most of her campaign, with slogans such as 'I'm not racist (wink)', 'OK fine, I’m not as racist (as my dad)' and 'Let’s paint the Eiffel Tower white'. A spokesman for Le Pen said ‘France for the French – oh, how did that suitcase full of rubles get there? I guess we’ll never know.’

Vladimir Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

Russia has confirmed that President Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. 'Our President has worked tirelessly to stop the fighting in Ukraine over the last five weeks,' said a Tass news agency spokesman today. 'He has spoken with President Biden, President Macron, some tousle-haired weasel from the United Kingdom who tried to get him to invest in the Conservative Party - he didn't bite as he understood he owned it already - and the German Chancellor. They all agreed that President Zelenski was being 'argumentative' and 'mean' and really thought Putin was 'doing him in, for all the right reasons'.

The Nobel committee, based in Sweden, promised to look into the nomination 'as soon as our NATO membership is agreed.'

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