Cleethorpes man receives updated version of Ten Commandments from God

A man who claims to be a direct descendant of Moses the Prophet, says God has sent him an updated version of The Ten Commandments.

Mo Shufflebottom, a Pizza Leaflet Delivery Executive from Mount Sinai Road in Cleethorpes, says he received an email yesterday on his Samsung tablet from ‘The_Real_God9875@hotmail.com’, which reads as follows:

The Ten Commandments version 2.0 (updated for the 21st century)

1. Thou shalt not kill, unless thou art ‘killing it’ in the sense of doing something really well.

2. Thou shalt not commit adultery (looking at photos of thine ex on Facebook is fine, unless thou dost get caught by thy spouse).

3. Thou shalt not fanny about when being served in a shop, post office or pub when there are others waiting behind ye.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s car, though it be a top of the range Lexus that makes thine old Astra look like a pile of scrap.

5. Thou shalt not steal, nor shalt thou create government policies that rob from the poor and giveth to the rich, neither shalt thou fiddle thy MP’s expenses, for verily thou wouldst be self-serving, overprivileged scum.

6. Thou shalt respect the Earth and its resources, for thou dost not need to drive a Range Rover if thy liveth in a city, nor take several foreign holidays a year, for thou wouldst be a smug, self-centred pr*ck.

7. Thou shalt not troll, for it shall behove thee to keep thy foul bile to thyself as thou dost sit on thy fat, spotty, lonely arse at thy computer in thy mother’s basement.

8. Thou shalt not make noise and disturb thy neighbours at an unsociable hour, or thou wouldst deserve a mighty rain of dog turds to befall thy garden.

9. Thou shalt not use words like ‘holibobs’, ‘totes’ or ‘amazeballs’, for thou shalt get on everyone’s tits.

10. Thou shalt not retweet the offensive rantings of a bellend.

Mr Shufflebottom also claims that God has sent him updated versions of both the Old and New Testament, which are written entirely in emojis. The authenticity of these documents is yet to be verified, as we need to find someone under the age of 25 who is willing to translate them.

He’s shouting, and four other signs a man is listening to music

Performing a singular activity for a man can be a tortuous exercise, particularly if his focus and concentration have been hijacked by music plumbed straight into the ears.

He’s shouting

Other than the devices on or in his ears, an obvious sign that a man is listening to music is that anything spoken is ramped up to eleven. Usually: ‘WHAT?’, ’SPEAK UP, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!’, and the patently obvious: ‘I’M LISTENING TO MUSIC!!!’ whilst pointing to his ear.

He’s zoned out

The thousand yard stare exhibited by the man listening to music is a direct effect of his concentration being occupied by the mesmeric pulses occupying his brain. Waving your hand in front of his face will have little effect. You would get a better reaction conversing with a tree stump.

He’s bumping into things

Music and motion do not readily mix with men. Whilst walking, in his mind’s eye, the man will be Axl Rose, or god forbid, Bono. He will not be paying attention to potential hazards, but the motor functions of a his brain will continue unabated until exhaustion or collision render him unconscious.

He’s emitting random high-pitched noises

Due to not being able to hear his own voice, the man listening to music will not know whether he’s producing sound or not, resulting in a series of off-key squeaks being emitted that his brain believes to be lyrics. Trying to work out what he’s listening to would keep GCHQ busy for centuries.

He can’t do anything else

Compounding the adage that men cannot multitask; a man listening to music may valiantly attempt a variety of simple tasks, but ultimately will fail. Stirring a cup of tea or using a urinal will see each activity performed in time with the beat of the music, accompanied by spasms of rudimentary drumming or air guitar, with very messy consequences.

Image: Pixabay/Luxstorm