A man who claims to be a direct descendant of Moses the Prophet, says God has sent him an updated version of The Ten Commandments.
Mo Shufflebottom, a Pizza Leaflet Delivery Executive from Mount Sinai Road in Cleethorpes, says he received an email yesterday on his Samsung tablet from ‘The_Real_God9875@hotmail.com’, which reads as follows:
The Ten Commandments version 2.0 (updated for the 21st century)
1. Thou shalt not kill, unless thou art ‘killing it’ in the sense of doing something really well.
2. Thou shalt not commit adultery (looking at photos of thine ex on Facebook is fine, unless thou dost get caught by thy spouse).
3. Thou shalt not fanny about when being served in a shop, post office or pub when there are others waiting behind ye.
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s car, though it be a top of the range Lexus that makes thine old Astra look like a pile of scrap.
5. Thou shalt not steal, nor shalt thou create government policies that rob from the poor and giveth to the rich, neither shalt thou fiddle thy MP’s expenses, for verily thou wouldst be self-serving, overprivileged scum.
6. Thou shalt respect the Earth and its resources, for thou dost not need to drive a Range Rover if thy liveth in a city, nor take several foreign holidays a year, for thou wouldst be a smug, self-centred pr*ck.
7. Thou shalt not troll, for it shall behove thee to keep thy foul bile to thyself as thou dost sit on thy fat, spotty, lonely arse at thy computer in thy mother’s basement.
8. Thou shalt not make noise and disturb thy neighbours at an unsociable hour, or thou wouldst deserve a mighty rain of dog turds to befall thy garden.
9. Thou shalt not use words like ‘holibobs’, ‘totes’ or ‘amazeballs’, for thou shalt get on everyone’s tits.
10. Thou shalt not retweet the offensive rantings of a bellend.
Mr Shufflebottom also claims that God has sent him updated versions of both the Old and New Testament, which are written entirely in emojis. The authenticity of these documents is yet to be verified, as we need to find someone under the age of 25 who is willing to translate them.