Suspicious package at Manchester Airport was not Matt Hancock in Speedos

A suspicious package found at Manchester Airport has not turned out to be Matt Hancock in a tight pair of pink Speedos. Security services released a statement insecurely on Twitter which was quickly spotted and went on to explode across the platform. 'It was very important that the suspicious package was found. If the suspicious package had been uncovered, then that could have led to widespread sickening disgust. A security services spokesman later announced, 'We don't wish to alarm anyone, but BOOOOM! Actually, when we investigated the report of the suspicious package, it wasn't Matt Hancock at all. This was really suspicious because it usually is. So we had to take it seriously and call in the special guy who knows whether to cut the red wire or the blue one. 'But then it turned out it wasn't that kind of package either. It was a lost collection of documents left behind after the Conservative Party conference by one of many attendees who pretended to work on the government plan for COP26 and then jetted back to their second homes in London. We concluded that this was absent-mindedness in more ways than one. 'Astonishingly, it is the most suspicious package we have ever encountered. It was supposed to address environmental protection and the climate crisis, but the contents just went into great detail about how the Conservative Party would continue to be funded by immense levels of donation from fossil fuel giants.

'We were so disheartened by it, we blew it up anyway because we needed the pick-me-up of a controlled explosion.'

Something Similar	Five Go Dobbing In the Neighbours	Something Different
Budget: Rishi Sunak to pledge £30bn for suffering bankers say sources	On sale now	UK government finally delivers on Covid Delta PLUS

Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension

People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.

Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: 'Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It's brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.'

Luke Lyle from Manchester added 'Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month's salary. On average it's 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.'

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged 'I mean it's on the Northern Line, that's close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?'

Indian team admits: 'We just didn't fancy a week in Manchester'

The Indian cricket board has 'regretfully' announced that they cannot field a team for the final Test Match at Old Trafford, because they are 2-1 up in the series, and their players want to get home to somewhere with decent weather, perhaps a beach, and put their feet up before the highly lucrative Indian Premier League starts in two weeks' time.

It is understood that the England and Wales Cricket Board stands to lose £20 million, while the IPL is worth £300m to the Bank of Credit and Commerce International - whoops, Board of Control of Cricket India. Or rather, it is now worth £280 million after the ECB changed the status of the match from 'forfeited by India, series drawn 2-2' to 'cancelled, India win the series 2-1' in the early hours of this morning.

Meanwhile, some of the backroom staff have unfortunately tested positive for COVID, none of the actual players have, but as a spokesperson shouted from a taxi on the way to the airport. 'You can't be too careful eh?'

PDPics/Pixabay