The manifesto promise

Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Policies to be redacted from Party manifestos

‘We want people to be able to make their decision unencumbered by anything too practical,’ said Kate Jones of the Politics Institute. ‘And anyway – who cares?’

Politicians for both Parties welcomed the move. ‘Thank Christ for that,’ said one Labour MP. ‘I thought we were going to have to come up with ideas.' Conservatives were equally positive: ‘Well, the few policies we’ve come up with so far have gone down about as well as a turd in a swimming pool. Which was, actually, one of our policy ideas.'

Other political parties are rumoured to exist, some of them much heavier on policy and lighter on tribalism than the main parties – but that’s probably why you haven’t heard of them.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/jarmoluk-143740/