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Sunak: I removed seatbelt to distance myself from Savile



The Prime Minister has apologised for being filmed in a car whilst not wearing a seatbelt, but says the reason was to show the party has moved on from its previous close association with Jimmy Savile.


Younger readers may be unaware of Savile's notorious Clunk-Click TV campaign, which ensured the children he accosted would be unable to escape his clutches in a hurry.


Older readers will be aware of Savile rarely being outside the company of Margaret Thatcher, so we asked Sunak whether the party wishes also to distance itself from her, but were unable to get a convincing answer over the sound of Thatcher's body spinning in its grave, tunnelling directly into hell.


A No.10 adviser did tell us that they are continually getting mail addressed to Savile from Friends Reunited, which they return, after writing "Now then, now then, not known at this address" on the envelope. 'Perhaps they think we're lying.' he muttered.


The advisor also formally denied rumours that the PM is a patronising AI chatbot gone rogue, adding 'Is there anything else I can help you with today? Oh, the cost of living crisis? Rishi'll fix it.'


Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others



However hard the government bends over backwards to appease its core vote, a dyed in the wool true blue forever Conservative voter continues to be dissatisfied with the amount of pain being caused to those around him.


Gyles Tebbit from Surrey barked, 'This is just not good enough. I expect more. I expect more pain. I expect more suffering. I expect more wails of agony from those around me. This isn't what I didn't vote for.


'What this government needs to do is to get up off its lazy arse and get someone else to start sticking the knife in properly. I didn't not fight in World War II for this. Our Maggie had the country in absolute meltdown and all of us pummelled into submission in half the time. None of this u-turn nonsense you see today.


'I want every last foreigner kicked out. I want everyone coming over here taking our jobs and our women deported to Rwanda. And then I want every last one of our women back in their kitchens making babies. I want the kids of today rid of once and for all. I want everyone on strike sacked. I want everyone in work sacked. I want the unions crushed. I want the NHS dismantled. I want all those meddling greenies locked up. I want the poor taxed out of existence. I want the welfare state pulverised. I want the economy destroyed. I want full on hard red, white and blue Brexit done properly from the start. And bring back mandatory hanging for everyone.'


Now clear off. I'm a very busy and important man who needs to get into my German SUV, race to my local Italian, knock back a few French reds, call my Greek tax accountant from my Dutch mobile, and then fly to my second home in Spain.'



Liz Truss 'most morally repulsive woman in the world' say scientists



A group of scientists who designed a computer programme which is able to calculate how morally repugnant a person is by assessing their facial characteristics, has announced Liz Truss is the world’s most morally repulsive woman, despite late pressure from Suella Braverman.


The programme is based on the study of physiognomy, and uses facial mapping techniques to work out how morally repellent a person is, and then gives a score using a rating system known as ‘The Moral Munter Scale’.


Liz Truss was said to be delighted by the news, especially when she heard the title had previously been awarded to Margaret Thatcher.


Other female moral mingers who rated highly in the study are serial killers Lucy Letby, Beverley Allitt, Myra Hindley and Rose West, and that woman who put a cat in a bin.


After spending several weeks focusing on the moral repugnance of these women, all 12 scientists who worked on the project needed to receive counselling for post-traumatic stress disorder. They are all still being kept under heavy sedation to control the night terrors and panic attacks.



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