Meta transcends everything but definitely isn’t watching you, Big Brother insists

The holding company for Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp has rebranded as Meta, which company spokespersons insist is in no way a creepy reminder that it can see and hear pretty much everything except your dreams. For now, anyway.

“I mean: we publish our privacy policy but no-one believes it; and we don’t publish what we actually know ‘cos… you know - reasons. But mostly money. The world is just jealous we made our mint from your cat videos. Which we haven’t seen obvs.”

Industry analysts had wondered whether this particular choice of rebrand would prove counterproductive for a company facing repeated privacy and marketplace competition concerns.

“I knew you’d say that”, said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, before checking his notes: “ah - er, I mean our new name is meant to say ‘you can always find us’, not ‘we can always find you’. Yeah - nailed it.”

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lobostudiohamburg-13838/

First published 30 Oct 2021

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In what nobody is really buying as the "fight of the century", a w@nker billionaire with too much facework to let anyone touch it is goading a w@nker billionaire with an alien hairline which if slightly tugged might unravel the entire being.

Fisticuffs promoter, Gill Bates said, 'Normally, I get quite passionate and over-the-top for a big fight. But this match-up has all the appeal of an intact rice pudding. Look, they might be working really hard on their Chinese burns and wedgies, but I can't see it climaxing into anything more than frantic fly-wafting.

'But you get paid a few million to hype this crap up, so I've got my team working on the most important thing - what to call it. The Rumble in the Jungle, it certainly won't be - more like "The Twisty-Titty in the Vatican City".

'Anything like the Thriller in Manilla would be a slight case of over-billing, so maybe "The Cower at the Bell Tower"? Or "The Towel Flicker at St. Mark's Basilica"?

'If either of them come up with an innovative move, then we haven't ruled out "The Thumb-up-the-Bum at the Colosseum".

For the moment, though, the working title covers the most likely outcome for both of them: "The Weep Bitterly in Italy".'

Image: Mohamed_hassan - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 15 Aug 2023

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins