Mars Perseverance Rover decides 'Mars is shit'

After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that 'Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo'. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was 'just an over-hyped DGI drone'. 'It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I'm stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.'

Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape - 'done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick' and looking for signs of earlier life. 'I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn't leave they'd probably have topped themselves, which isn't a bad idea' said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.

The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance's TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance's views. 'I think it's great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? - Not a euphemism, you understand,' it said today. 'I take PayPal.'

Musk steps up plans for Mars mission after global tax reform

Elon Musk has announced that SpaceX's plans for a manned mission to Mars will be accelerated so that by the time the global tax reforms come into place, Tesla head office will be close to Olympus Mons on Mars, or Musk Mountain as it will soon be renamed.

'At first, I considered moving to the international space station, but I don't know if you've seen the toilets up there. So Mars won the business.'

Musk plans to pay for the venture by renting out rooms on his Mars base to his fellow billionaires. As to how they get there, he has promised them a fleet of self-driving space shuttles using his tried and tested Tesla technology.

'We're all for it,' said a G7 spokesperson, 'once they get in those shuttles, we expect never to have to deal with them again.'