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Americans pray for Hurricane Imelda to hit Southern States

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In a surprise move, Churches across the United States have been praying for Hurricane Imelda to make landfall and wreak destruction.


Pastor Chuck Heidelweiss Jnr of the Southern Quivering Brethren explained, "A devastating hurricane would cause evil people with guns to remain at home, rather than terrorising our shopping malls, schools and churches. The devastation of a hurricane would be a God given relief from the usually litany of mass killings".


The view was surprisingly echoed by President Trump who said the community spirit invoked by a natural disaster would wipe away the shame felt by the whole nation following their golfers' feeble attempt to win back the Ryder Cup. When asked whether he was simply looking for a distraction from his embattled position regarding the Epstein files, he answered, "I cannot hear your nasty question, because it is too windy".



Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

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United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.


The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.


The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.



Fundamentalist Atheists storm nowhere, demand nothing, massacre no-one

The world was united in ambivalence yet again, this morning, as reports hit that Fundamentalist Atheists yet again did not storm anywhere demanding anything and in the process of this, killed no-one.


Whilst there was no announcement from the loosely branded organisation, World leaders seemed unphased and yet again failed to condemn their co-ordinated inaction. Religious leaders seemed almost united in their outrage with the Pope opining that the Atheists were "amateurs" and mused as to how they could get their message out there if they are not willing to abuse, maim or indoctrinate. A spokes-terrorist from The Islamic State said, "if we could find them, we'd wipe these people from the face of the Earth. We can't have them nonchalantly spreading a messaging of inadvertent tolerance and co-operation!"


We approached an atheist in Maidstone today and asked him to explain his inaction and he told us, "I'm just having a cup of coffee, mate." He again reinforced the stereotype of Atheist Fundamentalists just sitting about, getting on with their day not judging people based on anything but the content of their characters. He didn't even have a leaflet to tell me how to live my life. These people live among us.




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