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People who refuse to acknowledge the dangers of firearms have been accused of spreading false information. 'Guns don't kill, bullets maybe' is a common refrain. Many anti-bullet-proof-vesters suggest that the daily statistics of deaths from bullets are exaggerated and insist that many of the people who die in a hail of bullets were going to die anyway. Some, they note, are elderly and therefore prone to dying; others are often young and note that mortality can be flaky in that group as well. They claim that most normal, healthy people of working age are relatively impervious to bullet wounds, claiming they are often no worse than a knife in the neck. In any case, they refuse to wear a bullet-proof-vest in public.


Opponents to the anti-bullet-proof-vest brigade say the current belief that .38 bullets are less harmful than .44s is misleading and leads people to be more relaxed about meeting up with others brandishing such weapons. 'OK, the entry hole is smaller, but the exit is still a gaping hole,' they point out. The increase in .38 calibre shootings is looking at overwhelming the hospital system as beds are filling up rapidly, aggravating the winter knifing surge.


The government is still opposing calls for a stay-at-home policy and are insisting that schools should stay open. 'Just don't congregate in the school yard', the government suggests.





First published 9 Jan 2022


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In a surprise move, Churches across the United States have been praying for Hurricane Imelda to make landfall and wreak destruction.


Pastor Chuck Heidelweiss Jnr of the Southern Quivering Brethren explained, "A devastating hurricane would cause evil people with guns to remain at home, rather than terrorising our shopping malls, schools and churches. The devastation of a hurricane would be a God given relief from the usually litany of mass killings".


The view was surprisingly echoed by President Trump who said the community spirit invoked by a natural disaster would wipe away the shame felt by the whole nation following their golfers' feeble attempt to win back the Ryder Cup. When asked whether he was simply looking for a distraction from his embattled position regarding the Epstein files, he answered, "I cannot hear your nasty question, because it is too windy".



United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.


The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.


The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.



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