Met Office issues "boring weather" warning for most of year

Following a winter of storm warnings and a summer of heat wave alerts, the Met Office has today announced a series of warnings of "depressingly underwhelming" weather covering the entire rest of the year.

Apart from a few more furnace-like heat waves, most of the summer is classed as "fair to middling". The autumn is forecast to be " dull, damp and slightly dismal", and the winter "tediously cold, but then again not that bad".

"Brits run the risk of running out of weather worth taking about " said Dr Adele Hubert of the Met Office's Cultural Forecasting department. "With many days expected to be " 'extremely average', even saying that it's a bit cold - or hot - for the time of year will be demonstrably untrue."

However, all is not lost. In tests, 6 out of 10 Brits were able to make more than a month's conversation out of just one extreme weather event - and 9 out of 10 could not understand the concept of weather too dull to talk about.

Lighthouse Coast Ocean - Free photo on Pixabay

'Primary source of fog still Bonnie Tyler pop video from the 1980s' confirms Met Office

Leading meteorologists based in the UK have traced the source of all global fog to a pop video made in 1985. 'Total Eclipse of the Heart is the reason why we have mists rolling in from the sea and why it's always a pea souper on bonfire night,' explained bright-eyed weather guru Tomasz Schafernaker. The only thing we still can't explain is what's going on with those illuminated peepers at the end of the video.

'Many people wrongly believe it was due to an appearance on Top of the Pops by Cliff Richard, when Cliff gradually became shrouded until we couldn't see him anymore. But that was a one-off event in a BBC controlled environment and played out precisely as intended. So it does not explain those weird pictures of San Francisco Bay where all you can see are the top bits of the Golden Gate Bridge.

'That is caused by the fog created for the Take My Breath Away video in 1986, which was so bad that it affected Midge Ure when he visited Vienna 6 years earlier. You might be interested to learn that this is not the only case of Berlin invading the Austro-Hungarian region.

'If the fog sometimes seems a bit yellow to you, then it's not pollution. That's just David Dickinson's fake tan escaping into the atmosphere in a perfectly natural way.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/sweetaholic-296788/

Met Office warns Britain to brace for freak fine weather event

The UK is being told to brace for the greatest freak weather event of 2022 – a day with no storm force winds, pelting rain or blizzards when people in some parts of the country may even get a glimpse of the sun.

"We are issuing a fine weather warning," said a Met Office spokesman, "because it may come as a severe shock to some people to go through a day in which trees are not blown across train tracks, roofs are not wrenched-off arenas, and millions of homes are not plunged into darkness by power cuts.

"Following Storms Dudley, Eunice and Franklin, we'll be calling this rare event "Fair Weather Anthea", and we predict it will happen sometime in the next month … or at least in the next year.

"It's an 'A' name because it'll be the first day of the year when the weather doesn't make you want to die, and it's named after TV's Anthea Turner because we forecast conditions will be pleasant, breezy and ever so slightly unexciting."

Chancellor Rishi Sunak will outline plans in parliament to mark the day by raising a new 'Fair Weather Tax' on households - a variant of the Treasury's lucrative 'Windfall Tax', which it raises on people who have had bits of their property ripped down by gale-force winds.