Met Office warns Britain to brace for freak fine weather event

The UK is being told to brace for the greatest freak weather event of 2022 – a day with no storm force winds, pelting rain or blizzards when people in some parts of the country may even get a glimpse of the sun.

"We are issuing a fine weather warning," said a Met Office spokesman, "because it may come as a severe shock to some people to go through a day in which trees are not blown across train tracks, roofs are not wrenched-off arenas, and millions of homes are not plunged into darkness by power cuts.

"Following Storms Dudley, Eunice and Franklin, we'll be calling this rare event "Fair Weather Anthea", and we predict it will happen sometime in the next month … or at least in the next year.

"It's an 'A' name because it'll be the first day of the year when the weather doesn't make you want to die, and it's named after TV's Anthea Turner because we forecast conditions will be pleasant, breezy and ever so slightly unexciting."

Chancellor Rishi Sunak will outline plans in parliament to mark the day by raising a new 'Fair Weather Tax' on households - a variant of the Treasury's lucrative 'Windfall Tax', which it raises on people who have had bits of their property ripped down by gale-force winds.

Storm Cummings causes massive blackouts in the sunlit uplands

The sunlit uplands have been plunged into perpetual darkness after a severe storm swept across the region, leaving a trail of slime in its wake.

The Met Office has been forced to issue red alerts and warnings about structural damage after an alpine tunnel collapsed. Utility companies have been working around the clock to restore lost power, but officials say they are fighting a losing battle.

'Storm Cummings could be the worst storm to hit the Uplands in living memory,' said a spokesman for Western Power. 'The pastures are completely ruined, and it's unlikely the lights will ever come on again. This is way more than significant damage; we are talking complete obliteration. It's like a volcano has erupted. The only difference is that a volcano causes slightly less damage.’

‘All we can do is advise people to hide behind a facemask, mumble something unintelligible and keep their fingers crossed.'

Mountains Field Clouds - Free photo on Pixabay

Met Office warns it could be hotter than the surface of the sun by Friday

Extreme temperatures are expected to reach the UK later this week forcing forecasters to issue an amber alert for parts of Margate and the remote Irish village of Ballyageddon.

'5600 degrees is nothing we can’t handle’, said Kevin Fullicks, a resident of Margate. 'It’s about time we had a decent summer’.

'I was a desert rat so I’m used to the heat. Admittedly this will be a different kind of heat, the kind that can vaporise your face off if you don’t take precautions. I’ve invested in 96 bottles of factor two million sun cream for the kids so they should be alright’.

The government has urged people to behave responsibly, not to venture outside under any circumstances and try to spend as much time as they can sitting in a bath of ice water.