Storm Cummings causes massive blackouts in the sunlit uplands

The sunlit uplands have been plunged into perpetual darkness after a severe storm swept across the region, leaving a trail of slime in its wake.

The Met Office has been forced to issue red alerts and warnings about structural damage after an alpine tunnel collapsed. Utility companies have been working around the clock to restore lost power, but officials say they are fighting a losing battle.

'Storm Cummings could be the worst storm to hit the Uplands in living memory,' said a spokesman for Western Power. 'The pastures are completely ruined, and it's unlikely the lights will ever come on again. This is way more than significant damage; we are talking complete obliteration. It's like a volcano has erupted. The only difference is that a volcano causes slightly less damage.’

‘All we can do is advise people to hide behind a facemask, mumble something unintelligible and keep their fingers crossed.'

Mountains Field Clouds - Free photo on Pixabay

Met Office warns it could be hotter than the surface of the sun by Friday

Extreme temperatures are expected to reach the UK later this week forcing forecasters to issue an amber alert for parts of Margate and the remote Irish village of Ballyageddon.

'5600 degrees is nothing we can’t handle’, said Kevin Fullicks, a resident of Margate. 'It’s about time we had a decent summer’.

'I was a desert rat so I’m used to the heat. Admittedly this will be a different kind of heat, the kind that can vaporise your face off if you don’t take precautions. I’ve invested in 96 bottles of factor two million sun cream for the kids so they should be alright’.

The government has urged people to behave responsibly, not to venture outside under any circumstances and try to spend as much time as they can sitting in a bath of ice water.

Air con more expensive than cocaine

The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.

An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:

'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'

A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:

'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'