"Having been made aware of hundreds of thousands of people in the capital involving themselves in suspicious underground activity," Superintendent Dirk Dimm-Witt of the Metropolitan Police told reporters, "we took the imaginative step of cutting electric power to this city-wide criminal network to interrupt their operations.
"Our intelligence - although I use that term very loosely - identified that these villains were using several different lines of profitable criminal endeavour, which they had codenamed the 'Jubilee Line', the 'Central Line' and so forth.
"It is only after I had received a series of calls from the Met Commissioner, the Mayor of London and the PM, calling me the biggest Dimm-Witt ever to wear the uniform, that the nature of my error gradually dawned on me - viz. that I had mixed up the terms 'London Underground' and 'London underworld' on account of my being so incurably thick.
"I apologise unreservedly to the masses of law-abiding citizens left sweltering on subterranean trains and platforms at rush hour.
"And I warn them that it would be a serious offence to march on New Scotland Yard with pitchforks and torches, demanding my severed head in revenge.
"And they'd be pushed to find me there, anyway," said Dimm-Witt, "since I'm being sent on gardening leave for the next few months, back at my home in Berkamsted."
The government has been quick to announce the crackdown on fake reviews on Amazon and other online sales sites, but has been incredibly quiet about the suppression of the metropolitan Police's reviews regarding PartyGate.
The Met has claimed that it has entered a period of Purdah and cannot provide advice that might favour or otherwise any political party. This despite the May elections being advertised at least a year in advance and almost as long to review the evidence of law breaking that took literally minutes in the hands of beat policemen and women everywhere else in the UK, indeed even in the streets around Westminster at about the time of the alleged parties.
When challenged a Metropolitan Police spokesman agreed to provide a review of PartyGate offences progress. 'Five stars,' he said, adding, 'the idea of bringing your own booze was a cracker.'
First published 26 April 2022
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