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The Met. Police have corrected and reissued their crime figures for the last ten years, after an unfortunate series of errors in data collection and processing.


The affected figures relate to the detection rate for murders. These figures have now been revised down from percentages in the high nineties to the low forties. The incorrect figures erroneously included crimes solved by officers on loan to other police forces.


This large correction is due to the inclusion of murders solved by a number of different detectives on secondment. The issue relates mainly to staff on loan to the police force in the fictional British overseas territory of Saint Marie.


A spokesman said, ‘The figures were distorted by the very high number of murders on the island of Saint Marie – at least one a week – and by the very impressive clear up rate of one hundred per cent. Our colleagues on loan to the Saint Marie police service have a fantastic record, and we are looking to learn lessons from them going forward.


‘Of course, you don’t have to go abroad to find great detection rates. There is an English police force with a record that is just as good. It’s in Midsomer.’




The Metropolitan Police spokesperson confirmed: ‘Dame Cressida oversaw a regime of misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment – but sadly all good things have to come to an end. The Prime Minister would like to put on record his thanks to her, for covering up his record and keeping schtum about Jack the Ripper.


‘Sadly, while in police custody, she is said to have repeatedly fallen down a staircase. No witnesses were on hand to see her do it, but she was later found hanging in her cell, next to a full confession for the murders of JFK, Tupac Shakur and BBC Light Entertainment’.



First published 12 Feb 2022



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