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VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs

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The former Conservative Government, of no fixed abode, pleaded guilty this week to using ‘VIPs of a substandard or shoddy quality’.


Public bodies are legally required to put large contracts out to competitive tender. During the Covid crisis the Johnson government took the unprecedented step of ignoring the law and buying PPE from VIPs instead, presumably in a bid to make plastic overalls a bit more glamorous.


The problem was that Ministers didn’t know any actual VIPs. Instead of Hollywood A listers, Premiership footballers or James Bond, the PPE was bought from people like Matt Hancock’s pub landlord. If he had coincidentally turned out to be Al Murray this might have worked - but he isn’t.


We asked a civil servant: what went wrong? ‘Well’, he said, ‘we don’t get much excitement, so pretty much anybody off the telly would have turned our heads, but literally every so-called VIP was a nonentity. The only Very Important attribute any of them brought was that they were friends with a Minister. Funny, that’.


Michelle Mone is set to appeal the court’s judgment, entering some raunchy photos of her on a yacht in lacey underwear as evidence of her ‘attributes’.


The case continues . . .



Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

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PPE Medpro is to payback the £122,000,000 to the government for gown fraud. The agreement is to pay £100 a month for the next one million years. There are also the additional costs and interest to pay back, which may mean an additional £2 a month.


Michelle Mone, who is somehow still a f@cking Baroness, and is definitely linked to the struggling gown fraud company, is probably currently being super remorseful on her yacht. The yacht is undoubtedly called The Jolly Gown Fraud and was paid for in good honest money that was earnt in a way that no way defrauded the UK government via supplying unsuitable medical apparel.


You don’t get that kind of boat money by deceiving the Department of Health and Social Care in a time of crisis by passing off unfit-for-use robes that endanger people, no sirree bob, you get it from selling pants. Probably unsafe pants, dipped in COVID. That’s a guess, maybe one of the less dangerous strains at least.


Apparently, endangering lives by vile, opportunistic garb swindling still allows you to keep your peerage. You only lose it if the crime is worth over 1/8th of a billion pounds, luckily, she was just shy of that limit.

Crime never pays folks.... maybe we should Stop The Big Fancy Boats as they seem to be the ones containing undesirables.



Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair


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Lingerie millionairess Baroness Mone has said the huge pants-fire in her lingerie factory near Slough is "unconnected" to the controversy over her lies regarding PPE. She issued a statement saying the fact the fire broke out the very moment she admitted to Laura Kuenssberg she had been lying was a "pure coincidence".

'There has been a lot of arson around and I can only put the fire down to people who want to hurt me' Baroness Mone continued. She denies that she and her husband had been arson around for nearly two years before telling the truth about their part in the PPE affair.


'The pants factory and its contents are very well insured and like any careful and successful business people, we protect our assets and stand to make a little extra to cover the expenses of the claim,' she said in an independent multi-million feature film starring Tom Cruise which she wrote, produced and directed.

'The pants factory and the film were financed by a company owned by my husband, a man who I have never met in my life. Our two children, who were conceived postally, are the ones I would go to any lengths to protect.'


It's understood that Baroness's pants-empire has now started making fireproof pants and Piers Morgan is set to publicly endorse them for an undisclosed sum of £60million.


In some unheard clips from her Kuenssberg interview Mone added:


'It's lucky I was a Conservative peer, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to recommend my husband's company to supply useless PPE and personally profit from the catastrophic outbreak of a killer disease... It is difficult being a Baroness with 60 million quid that I shouldn't have. The struggle is real - can you even buy a super yacht with that? My diamond slippers are a bit tight actually... How best to distract jaded newspaper editors from a story about public sector procurement? Well, I'm a lingerie tycoon, so, tits.'


H/T: stewartbarclay


First published 19 Dec 2023



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