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Boris Johnson offers to oversee UK's response to hantavirus


By special NewsBiscuit correspondent dante


Britain's former Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that he stands ready to return to the country's helm, to help it navigate a future hantavirus pandemic. Speaking from New York, where he was delivering a conference on 10 Downing Street's selection of lavatory paper to a group of executives who paid $10,000 a ticket, the former mayor of London reassured his countrymen that 'if this virus takes off, I am ready to serve once more.'


Johnson's handling of the previous Covid-19 pandemic, while criticised in a recent report, has been described by the Daily Mail as 'exceptional' and by the BBC as 'world-beating'. His actions are believed by his supporters to have saved 'lives beyond count'.


'When the going gets tough, we need BoJo to get going,' said former Conservative minister Nadine Dorries in Southampton, upon her return from a cruise in the Canary Islands.


Baroness Dido Harding also announced her availability to serve in Johnson's national unity government, volunteering to launch a new Test & Trace application at only half the cost of the previous iteration. 'We have come a long way,' she said in a statement, 'and we have learnt from past mistakes, not that any were made.'


Separate reports indicated that Baroness Michelle Mone's new company, Med Resilience Ltd., stands ready to 'meet the nation's PPE needs again'.


Authgor: Dante



Image credit: perchance.org

VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs


The former Conservative Government, of no fixed abode, pleaded guilty this week to using ‘VIPs of a substandard or shoddy quality’.


Public bodies are legally required to put large contracts out to competitive tender. During the Covid crisis the Johnson government took the unprecedented step of ignoring the law and buying PPE from VIPs instead, presumably in a bid to make plastic overalls a bit more glamorous.


The problem was that Ministers didn’t know any actual VIPs. Instead of Hollywood A listers, Premiership footballers or James Bond, the PPE was bought from people like Matt Hancock’s pub landlord. If he had coincidentally turned out to be Al Murray this might have worked - but he isn’t.


We asked a civil servant: what went wrong? ‘Well’, he said, ‘we don’t get much excitement, so pretty much anybody off the telly would have turned our heads, but literally every so-called VIP was a nonentity. The only Very Important attribute any of them brought was that they were friends with a Minister. Funny, that’.


Michelle Mone is set to appeal the court’s judgment, entering some raunchy photos of her on a yacht in lacey underwear as evidence of her ‘attributes’.


The case continues . . .



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