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Reform to pay for your holiday

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Exploiting a loophole in their plan to pay asylum seekers to return abroad, cash strapped holiday makers have registered themselves as Illegal immigrants. A family of four can now have a free holiday - provided they are happy for the location to be Afghanistan.


Nigel Farage will personally book your air flight and escort you, by the ear, through customs. £2bn has been put aside for the plan, which should just about cover his drinks tab. Reform claims the holidays will be all inclusive - all you can eat, so long as it is a Red Cross parcel.


The party says it would build removal centres - similar to Butlins. Detaining up to 24,000 people - so a bit like Southern Rail. And Farage has promised to charter flights five times a day, more if you are a stag do.



‘I’ve caught worse diseases in Skegness’ insists Anderson


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Conservative Party deputy chairman Lee Anderson has condemned asylum seekers for leaving the barge used to house them in Dorset saying he had caught worse diseases than legionella while holidaying in Skegness.

The migrants were evacuated on Friday afternoon after just a few hours on board the vessel when health officials found traces of the deadly disease in the water supply.


However, the controversial MP was not impressed.


Anderson insisted that if you used hotels or B&B in the Skegness area when he was a kid it meant you were almost certain to come away with some life threatening disease or debilitating respiratory condition.


‘Sure we got sick…but we just got on with it’ said the MP for Ashfield in Nottinghamshire ‘our parents would give us 50p for the day and we would go off and have fish and chips, a ride on the donkey, a candy floss, toffee apples, a ride on the helter-skelter, buy a bucket and spade and still have money left over for the penny arcade. We didn’t moan about infectious diseases or deadly bacteria ruining our holiday.


If all you suffered from was dry coughs, confusion, diarrhoea and a week in hospital then you’d had a good holiday’.


Anderson also said the asylum seekers should be grateful the condition was only a namby-pamby French sounding disease found in water supplies and not one of the really hard bastard killer diseases we have thriving everywhere here in England.


‘If they don’t want to catch legionella here in England then they should ‘f**k off back to France….it clearly sounds French so they probably brought it with them anyway’.




First published 14 Aug 2023



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Govt plan to create 'Fake South Coast' to trick migrants


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The government today announced plans to float a facsimile of the South Coast in the English Channel in the hope that migrants will land there instead of the UK mainland. The floating construction is to be moored just off the coast, and to be designed with white cliffs and sandy beaches to look just like the real thing. It will also be equipped with beach huts, food and water, toilet facilities, medical supplies, beachwear and plenty of toiletries and towels.


The plan is that once a sufficient number of migrants have landed on the pretend England, it will set sail for the Atlantic and head South, to drop anchor off the shores of Morocco, never to return. Meanwhile, another such floating artifice will put in its place, to continue the process.


Critics have observed that, because the ships are sailing to warmer climes, have plentiful free accommodation, will have no old or infirm dependents, no billion-pound national debt and no taxation, they may therefore be filled to capacity with migrants from England.



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