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TOWIE special: The Migrant Hotel

Coming soon to ITVBe, a The Only Way Is Essex special which sees the permatanned imbeciles put aside their summer plans to go to Agia Napa, Ibiza and “Marbs” in favour of congregating outside a hotel housing refugees and shouting abuse at them.


“Look, I’m not racist, right?” said beautician Gemma Asbo. “All me friends are brahhhhn, in’t they? ‘Cept Leanne, she ain’t been in the salon this week.


“But these referee asylum whatevers… I know abroad’s a bit ‘ot sometimes, and you can’t get proper British food like curry or pizza, but that don’t mean they can come ‘ere.”


She offered to hold a sign expressing her opinions if someone else could write it for her, being unable to do it herself because of her fake nails and illiteracy.


“Look, I’m not being racist,” said one asylum seeker, uneasily watching the angry crowd from an upstairs window. “But they’re just not civilised.”


“I quite agree,” said his friend. “Unfortunately in my country women are subjected to many indignities. But I’ve never seen lip filler that bad.”



Reform to pay for your holiday

Exploiting a loophole in their plan to pay asylum seekers to return abroad, cash strapped holiday makers have registered themselves as Illegal immigrants. A family of four can now have a free holiday - provided they are happy for the location to be Afghanistan.


Nigel Farage will personally book your air flight and escort you, by the ear, through customs. £2bn has been put aside for the plan, which should just about cover his drinks tab. Reform claims the holidays will be all inclusive - all you can eat, so long as it is a Red Cross parcel.


The party says it would build removal centres - similar to Butlins. Detaining up to 24,000 people - so a bit like Southern Rail. And Farage has promised to charter flights five times a day, more if you are a stag do.



‘I’ve caught worse diseases in Skegness’ insists Anderson



Conservative Party deputy chairman Lee Anderson has condemned asylum seekers for leaving the barge used to house them in Dorset saying he had caught worse diseases than legionella while holidaying in Skegness.

The migrants were evacuated on Friday afternoon after just a few hours on board the vessel when health officials found traces of the deadly disease in the water supply.


However, the controversial MP was not impressed.


Anderson insisted that if you used hotels or B&B in the Skegness area when he was a kid it meant you were almost certain to come away with some life threatening disease or debilitating respiratory condition.


‘Sure we got sick…but we just got on with it’ said the MP for Ashfield in Nottinghamshire ‘our parents would give us 50p for the day and we would go off and have fish and chips, a ride on the donkey, a candy floss, toffee apples, a ride on the helter-skelter, buy a bucket and spade and still have money left over for the penny arcade. We didn’t moan about infectious diseases or deadly bacteria ruining our holiday.


If all you suffered from was dry coughs, confusion, diarrhoea and a week in hospital then you’d had a good holiday’.


Anderson also said the asylum seekers should be grateful the condition was only a namby-pamby French sounding disease found in water supplies and not one of the really hard bastard killer diseases we have thriving everywhere here in England.


‘If they don’t want to catch legionella here in England then they should ‘f**k off back to France….it clearly sounds French so they probably brought it with them anyway’.




First published 14 Aug 2023



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