Warren Buffett puts his fortune in Greggs

Warren Buffett, known as the Sage of Omaha for reasons probably only known to Americans who know where Omaha is (estimated at < 10%), has liquidated his fortune in US banks and invested in UK firm Greggs. This has pushed up the share price up from £17 a share to £3 quadrillion a share.  Buffett is known to be partial to a Greggs pasty, and was sold on the vegan sausage roll, which he said reminded him so much of President Trump but didn't explain why.

Greggs said the investment will allow them to increase their market presence, currently running at three Greggs per high street, to a Greggs every other store in England and Wales.  As they haven't perfected the deep-fried vegan Jock Pie, they will delay their move into Scotland until Bill Gates throws his weight behind them.

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Trickle down economics definitely not just pissing on the poor

Wealthy people have confirmed that poor people can definitely pull themselves up by their bootstraps, even though doing this in reality would only cause them to hurt their feet and fall over on to the ground or into debt.

'I've got millions and I'm fine' confirmed one millionaire, somewhat unnecessarily. 'Cutting my taxes is the only logical thing to do. Otherwise the government will only spend the money on public services for the disgusting masses. I can afford everything I'll ever need, but I want more and I'm not afraid to shut a few libraries and fan the flames of far right rhetoric to get it.'

'Creating jobs with my money is hard, so instead I'm going to hoard the cash and blame immigrants.'

A statement issued on behalf of all economists everywhere said 'Yep.'

"I'm not bothered," says man who lost £15m within seconds

How does is feel to lose £15 million within the space of 10 seconds?

Just ask Kevin Smalls of Wolverhampton, who blew his chance to win last week's National Lottery in his local corner shop on the Wednesfield Road by tragically picking the wrong numbers.

'It's just a lottery ticket. I'm not bothered,' said Smalls yesterday, kicking a Coke can down the street as he struggled to come to terms with the enormity of his loss.

'Why are you making such a big deal of it?' Smalls continued.

'For Christ's sake, stop following me around.'

Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash